New Experiences

Many of you will probably think that I have lost my mind but perhaps many of you will relate to what it is like to be driven by sex drive. About 10 days ago Sarah and I had a pretty crap sex session and I mentioned before once I perfected the KSD in the cb6000 I would hand her the keys again. I did complete/perfect the KSD for the 6K and Sarah does hold the keys. This time she has hid them really very well and I have no idea where she has put them…..this is good. This time I made it very clear to Sarah that she was only to let me out if SHE wanted to…under no circumstances was she to let me out of pity or guilt. I really wanted her to decide when and if, I am so tired of pressing for sex

Last entry I mentioned that I was considering libido reducing drug which I was able to obtain very easily on the internet and relatively cost effectively. The drug I have been taking for the last 10 days is called Androcur which is used to treat Prostate cancer as well as sexual deviance/sex drive reduction as indicated on the instruction/data sheet. Basically what it does is block the action of testosterone in a mans body. In low doses though it can be used to reduce the action of testosterone rather than completely eliminate it which generally results in chemical castration. I am not interested in chemical castration but the thought of having absolutely zero sex drive is intriguing, but I see that as being potentially dangerous to my health as well as my relationship with Sarah. Me not wanting sex seems as alien to me as not wanting to breath!! Sarah does not know about this drug, it would only make her feel guilty so I have decided not to tell her about it, maybe later if it works out OK.

There is a lot of misinformation around that Androcur can cause liver failure. The fact is that some 30 men died from liver failure from taking 200-300mg per day of Androcur for 3 months out of 60000ish. These men all had prostate cancer and were aged between 80 and 90 years. The dose I am taking was basically 100mg per day until such time as my night time wakening from erections ceased. Now this stuff is really powerful, after only 3 days I was being woken only once at 4am and they were only half firmons, by day 5 night time arousals had completely gone.

Unfortunately there are a few other side effects from this drug, slight headache, slight nausea….and sleeplessness kind of like a mild hangover, more annoying than anything else though I am not sure I would want to be taking 6 tablets (3 times my dosage)a day as a cancer patient!!, and even though I was no longer being woken by a woody, I was still waking at 4am and only able to find fitful sleep till morning. Since my objective is only to reduce my libido not kill it completely once I was sure my night time arousals had gone I then backed off the daily dosage to 50mg. Because the half life of Androcur is long it will accumulate with daily dosage, so once you have reached where you want to be it is important to back off the dosage to whats called a maintenance dose, ie replace what your body discards each day. Thankfully all the other side effects all but vanished once I backed off to 1 pill per day and I noticed that some mornings not others the cage felt tight but certainly not painful or can even call an attempted erection. This is about where I want to be…I think. I must admit that I do fatigue a bit faster, yard work seemed harder, I plan to restart working out shortly even though its guaranteed to be a painful experience..lol I have very little doubt if I kept taking 100mg per day for another 4 days-week I would be completely impotent.

So what has it done to my libido? My desire has not diminished at all, my need to please Sarah as not diminished at all either, in fact my admiration for female anatomy seems to have been enhanced somehow, but with a major difference. In the past after a week or so in the cage with Sarah’s period approaching I would be climbing the walls to an extent that Sarah would pick up the vibe and let me loose, not because she wanted to but probably because she felt guilty. The drive inside me would manifest itself as anger and frustration, which I really tried hard to contain it was a real effort, it took everything in me to prevent myself from screaming. The difference now is that although intellectually I feel a need to be intimate it is without the internal rage, the internal driving force that I guess made me an animal. I think this is a good thing as it lets me be in control. I was worried that I might lose all desire for Sarah..might even stop loving her if my libido was the engine that drove that part of me, so this so far at least is a relief, and the calmness is also a relief, not perfect but comparatively a relief.

So guess what, for some reason Sarah’s period is very late this month so I have been waiting for her to become unavailable to me which in a lot of respects has always been a relief while caged because I no longer would have any expectation for release. I seriously doubt I could have handled the last week if it were not for the drive reduction I have experienced, in fact relatively its been a walk in the park. Because I am not getting night time erections the cage is much more comfortable to wear, it seems that all those attempted erections if they were not damaging my shaft from the KSD they were bruising me or something, but it really has made a difference to night AND daytime wear.

Of course I have been worried that this reduction in testosterone may impact my performance sexually which I maintain is still intellectually important to me even if the drive is diminished and last night when I came to bed Sarah handed me the keys and told me to go clean myself up. So with much anticipation and some concern I proceeded to leave the room and unlock myself and clean myself up. I have to admit I purchased some generic Viagra at the same time as the androcur so that it would at least help my confidence should it be needed so before I did any cleaning I swallowed a quarter of a tablet, proceeded to wash myself and head back up stairs.

Sarah was still watching her TV show which was fine by me I even told her not to rush through it (its on a PVR), I needed at least 30 minutes to make sure the Viagra had time to do its work. On top of this I put on the solid number 3 ring from the CB3K, I have taken to using this as a cock ring as it also pushed my balls forward and prevents me from penetrating too deeply which I know does Sarah a injury. I am pretty sure Sarah like me wearing the ring, although when I told her she rolled her eyes, but since then she seems to like touching it to see if it is there once intimacy has started. Anyway it WAS a little hard for my motor to get started, but it DID start and I rolled a condom on. I always use a condom following time in the cage for hygiene reasons and Sarah asked me to climb on top, unusual for her to start in this way. Well once my motor started it felt completely normal, in fact during our foreplay I had to pause a few times to prevent premature ejaculation. Things progressed really nicely and eventually Sarah indicated she wanted to move to her favorite spooning position which allows me to penetrate her from behind while allowing my hand to reach around and stimulate her. This may have been imagination, but Sarah has always been very difficult to read for me, and generally it’s a case of proceeding until her completion followed by me letting go. Life before Sarah I was able to read largely what was going on and I was able to have a bit of fun, I love to be a bit of a tease with a womans orgasm, extend the time before climax, which always well to me anyways adds to the fun. Last night was the first time I can remember skating along that edge with Sarah, or that Sarah allowed me to explore that edge before she indicated to me that she wanted to complete, and complete she did, it is not often she pulls me hard into her, so in all aspects it turned out to be a really nice experience which I followed by rubbing her back till she slept, whereby I promptly fell asleep also. I did wake again 4am, and I did have a half decent hardon, not surprising since it takes Viagra a day or so to get out of your system. Thankfully I was not caged but interestingly normally I would have taken advantage of a free hardon and used it to return to sleep, but I really did not feel so inclined and I did go back to sleep, when I did wake again I was completely flaccid. Talking about senses, I have also noticed my sense of smell is enhanced.

Sarah this morning seemed a bit grumpy, weird I thought she would be in a good mood. I asked if there was anything wrong….no, back rub, coffee and I made the kids lunch seemed to make a her a bit happier, I returned the keys to her (which for some reason she did not seem so keen to accept)and reapplied the cage following my shower, normally again I would have taken advantage of the after effects of the Viagra but it was relatively easy to abstain, although it was a bit harder to put the cage on because I guess there was a bit of stimulation going on…lol

So here I am. I am not sure what is going on with Sarah’s period, by my calculation she should have had it nearly a week ago, maybe that’s why she was a bit grumpy this morning and not so enthusiastic about the keys. I guess she does not realize yet that I am a lot calmer about it than before.

Well so far this experiment is working well, so for the time being I will continue taking these pills, I intend to use my morning wood as my barometer, if I can I will back the dosage off again so that I feel a slight firmness in the morning so I know there is some testosterone in my system. If I can get to half a pill a day then at 70USD for 50 pills will last for 3 months…small price to pay for lack of night time awakenings, control of my sexual aggression and perhaps an improvement to my marriage.

I am not prepared to endorse this yet, I am worried about how it will affect my athletic ability longer term but so far it seems promising. I am not tempted to try and reduce my libido to less than that of Sarah’s, I don’t think that is healthy, and I think in order to get to that point I would lose my ability to perform, although if Sarah knew she might feed me the entire box.

One thing, although to start with there is some kink aspect to reducing ones sex drive, even proceeding to complete reversible chem castration, kind of like wearing a cage. Of course once your drive is reduced then so is ones kink level. This gives me some comfort in knowing that my motivations of proceeding down this path is true to Sarah and my marriage.