Vent time

Twice in 2 weeks after so long....

Well Sarah and I had a pretty hurtful discussion the other night....and I thought I would put it down here...lucky I don't get any comments because I am pretty sure you would just tell me I am mad, and I know that already so if thats all you have to say then don't bother.

I try not (and for the most part succeed) to bother Sarah for sex for at least a weekly time out, but once the week is up its like a timer goes off in my head and after that time I am pretty relentless until she gives in. The funny thing is when she does decide to "try" for the most part once she gets into it she enjoys it, but for her the effort is not worth the end, and so she keeps reminding me that she only really has sex for me....

Anyway over the weekend we had some friends over and yes I probably drank too much so I probably was not the most desirable person on the block, but yes I had a tantrum because I was turned down for the 3rd straight night (making it night 10 or so), I think I probably said something about seeing a professional...or something else nasty before I stalked out and headed down to the couch. I am never violent, I can sometimes crap on about how hardly done by I am or threaten to have sex with someone else but after that I will head off to seclusion rather than stand and fight to the death...still its damaging and I know it, and it doesn't help...just can't help it.

Anyway the next night Sarah, our anger had dissipated somewhat (I had apologized for my behavior in the morning), and I felt well enough and....I could not really help myself by asking as I gave her a hug, "I am not sure what your going to do with me" and Sarah kind of caught me off guard by saying, "Castration comes to mind....actually I have been thinking about that a lot lately"......now in a negative reality inversion kind of way that kind of excited me...and as you probably guessed from my dablings in chemical reduction in libido(and I did reach castration levels anyway) actual castration had crossed my mind as well....and so I told her that castration had crossed my mind as well as I am sick of my sex drive...she then says "why don't you look into it then?" All this time my hard cock in cased in a condom is rubbing up and down....I said, "u would really actually want me to do that would u"....."oh yes I would".....

hmmmm

Remembering a lot of what Sarah says at any given time is whatever happens to be going on in her head at the present. I know if I was actually serious about cutting my balls off she would never allow me to do it.... I did say though that I did not blame her for wanting to cut them off sometimes...she said well they have caused a lot of trouble through our marriage...the sad thing is I know its true......but actual physical castration while might be ok to kind of joke about...even semi serious like...it not practically possible for a variety of health reasons...I would never do it, nor would Sarah actually really mean it....other then in principle....I then said" but what would you do when you did want sex" ...she said that she never does, I said but that isn't true because I know you do it yourself sometimes....

Sarah vehemently denied this as she always does...which I know is a lie...I know without a shadow of a doubt because I put little pen dots on her dong...damm I even know how deep she puts it in...actually I don't look any more because I found that I would rather not know when she does, while its good masturbation material (ie the thought of it) the fact that she does and lets me have sex so infrequently I found really pissed me off...so I don't really want to know how often any more..and it was never very often...about as often as we had sex....but I can't help checking occasionally....I did not challenger her then regarding this fib.

Anyway I said to her "in the mean time you will just have to put up with me"....."and why do u think I was so persistent with the cage, because eventually me not being able to use it I have read will help me loose it" as in some of my sex drive. I went on to say that it was up to her to "train me to go without, and that it was Ok to let me out sometimes as a reward but just to let me do i myself we did not HAVE to have sex every time she let me out".....Sarah said "why don't u go and put it on right now then".....that figures I guess she was still pissed at me alright...she also said...."but after I week I feel like I should let you out for sex so whats the point and I don't EVER feel like letting you out. In fact I have not felt like having sex since before I had children!!...I just do it for you"....

well I did not like the way this conversation was going now...and that reallly hurt.....and things just went quiet....and even my cock was not all that interested any more....before sarah said ....basically, and because of last night you are only allowed to rub on me tonight...(meaning no penetration).....and so not completely pissed off with me....so I asked her is i was allowed to come....she said only after I massaged her to sleep...

But then the trouble is as I rubbed her back...what she had said about not ever wanting sex since before our kids really started to shit me....especially since I know she uses her dong from time to time....the more i thought about it the more I got wound up to the point where I felt I had to say something to let her know I knew she was lying. But at the same time I did not want to wake her because that would be a fate worse than death... I could not keep rubbing her back because I was just too wound up about it, I felt like I was going to explode so as I moved away she actually said something, which i did not hear, so I asked her to repeat, I can't remember what it was but I then took the opportunity and stated that I knew she still had that dong in her wardrobe and where it is and that I also knew she used it from time to time and that she was a fibber.

Well she did not have much to say to that, and we still have not really spoken since. I probably deserve a telling off because its a invasion of personal space but nor should she blatantly lie to me about having zero sex drive. The only interpretation I can make is that....she has not felt like having sex WITH ME since before our kids....which scaths and burns like a hot knife...but she does know I know, I don't know if thats a good thing or not...maybe she will make more of a effort, but more than likely she will work out some self justification and never say another word about it. She never even asked how I knew, probably frightened that my answer would be un arguable,well she is right there. But guilting someone into sex NEVER works....so I feel like I am a idiot...because I guess that is what I was trying to do. I guess I feel like I only have 10 years of good sexual function left...and I just feel time racing by so fast...I feel trapped...yet I love Sarah...I love her too much to let her go over sex, but lack of it makes things very unhappy, for the both of us....I still wish I could just switch it off.

Next morning I was tempted to throw the packet of androcur on the bed in the morning as say "look I have tried castration already....SEE AT LEAST I HAVE TRIED!!!" but I didn't....I doubt she would call me crazy, she would probably understand my motivation, maybe even applaud the attempt, but in the end it would just add to her guilt...it was not workable and my body is almost back to normal so what sthe point in telling her other than to score a point. If she DID bring it up again I may be tempted to tell her...but only in a way that did not make her feel guilty.

I must admit I have been terribly depressed since this exchange though, i feel like our marriage may as well be over, and its all over sex...well and intimacy.

I am thinking I need to take myself off to see a sex councilor or something, one to get control of myself...maybe Sarah needs to go...but she never would.

I don't even know if I am being unreasonable ...I am a nice person generally....kinky and horny yes but...I do all the right things. I never rip people off, I love animals and will even catch a spider and throw it out into the wild rather than kill it. I give Sarah back massages most nights and make her coffees in the morning, bring her hot chocolates at night. I work hard, I clean up the kitchen, cook dinner at least 1-2 sometimes 3 nights per week I am only a little bit over weight and I know I am not ugly....so is asking for sex once a week too much (3 times per month)? Sarah is not really into restaurants and I get in trouble for flowers, does not like chocolates, or weekends away (not that we could)....

what a ramble this post is...

I wonder if she will do the cage training though. Funny thing at the moment though is my sex drive really is in overdrive...I wear the cage during the day and I can generally back myself off to one orgasm per day but I find I reallllly need that one, I am not sure how I would go if Sarah really did mange my orgasms.

I somehow doubt it .....the problem is that when sarah does manage my key for me....its like I become so focused on her, but nothing changes for her, she just ignores me like normal...so wearing the cage becomes unbearable...the chatter in my mind after a few days convinces me that there is no point to this exercise because it really only causes me to suffer orgasm withdrawal and it is of no benefit to Sarah anyway...so I may as well just flog myself off to my hearts content. If Sarah could only show some extra attention during cage time I actually think it could work...I could be trained to go without for long periods....even a good flogging would be a good sex substitute, but Sarah is not interested in substitutes, any extra work involved for her is not worth doing....even if SHE gets lots of benefits in the form of LONG massages etc.

Maybe she would be interested in this devious device:

http://dreamloverlabs.com/products.php

It delivers a variety of shocks to electrodes placed inside of a CB device via remote control.