Pre Sexual Stress (PSS)

Even in my current mindset, old habits, thoughts keep ticking over. I did warn you that I am a warts and all kind of guy. Its not all a bed of roses, then again its not all bad.

What I have observed over the last day or so is a phenomenon that I think is like PMT except it occurs about when Sarah start to feel like she should offer herself up for sex.

I guess I should be clear, to coin one of diggers terms my wife is not exactly a high libido person, in fact she has a very low libido, “LL” being the term. This means it is actually extremely hard to arouse Sarah. It is something that she finds hard work. Something she really has to put her mind to get into, and hence something that she does not really want. Once aroused however she seems to enjoy sex as much as I do, but even after climax she then won’t fall asleep (like us men do) she claims that inevitably she will stay up most of the night.

Some would say then that I have an obligation to stay up with her and keep her company. I would agree with you, but following sex, no matter how good it is I am not permitted to talk to her, just in case she DOES fall asleep, and if I do talk to her then its guaranteed she won’t go to sleep all night!!. Such as the case all I am permitted to do following sex is give her a back massage, which I am happy to do, and I usually manage about 30 minutes, but with no mental stimulation or conversation, and the fact that having so many kids usually means this occurs around midnight means that I will find myself dropping off no matter how hard I try and stay awake.

So maybe the pre sexual stress is related to the perceived lack of enjoyment, or then means certainly does not justify the end. In her eyes sex is simply not worth the effort, it takes a lot of effort to get into it and then when she does succeed she is rewarded with a night of no sleep.

Yet sex is a necessary part of any relationship. Playing with chastity does not effect the regularity persay, it does increase the quality. Sarah definitely seems to become aroused more easily, but I would assume this is probably because she has received morning and night massages for the week. That said I tried an experiment a few times, giving her lots of massages while I was not wearing the cage. There is definitely a correlation between her enjoyment and me wearing the cage. Perhaps it is a demonstrated sacrifice that encourages her to sacrifice a night of her precious sleep.

Of course it really saddens me that this part of our life is not as enjoyable for her as it is for me, I do not know how to address it, I have even suggested alternative times so it does not interrupt her sleep, even offered to come home at lunch time (I work locally), but for a LL person sex does not register as a priority, its not anywhere near up there with her favorite soapy, jigsaw puzzle or card game on the computer. This is something that in moving to a submissive position I have to try and accept. At the same time it is very hard to remain in servitude when certain buttons are not being pressed.

How does PSS manifest itself? Increasing agitation, comments about the house being messy, comments about how life is too busy, and it just sucks. The crazy thing is when Sarah begins to exhibit PSS my feeling of submission begins to drop, truth is it PLUMETS when ideally I should be at the peak of my submission!!. Its so very different to be told to clean some windows because it would make her happy, even contribute to giving me a chance at a night of passion, add the job to a passion list for example, than to simply be in a shity mood and comment that the windows are disgustingly dirty, pointed at no one in particular as if she is blaming the world (including me) for her dirty windows.

I do not quite follow the rational but I have observed it many times this cycle of behavior. Ultimately of course we will have sex, but the path too it could do with resurfacing. Of course part of this is entirely my fault because in the past she has felt my tension building, and in the past I have ended up exploding in frustration. One of my challenges is to not to ask for it, it is only in rejection that an explosion surfaces. This is one of the benefits of the cage is that Sarah does give me the key without me asking her for it, when she is ready perhaps the PSS this time around is because she knows I have been in the cage for longer than usual so she may feel I am teetering on a eruption. I am determined not to. But I would hope that I have demonstrated this new behavior enough that PSS may be avoided, not so it seems. That said it is becoming a challenge, there are real pressures at work internally after 11 days (coming up to 21 days with 24 hour break).

Following the traverse of the rocky road to passion, In spite of the night of lack of sleep, the day following a night of passion Sarah’s voice sounds like it has a song in it. This could be my imagination since I have been relieved, and yet this flys in the face of what many orgasm denialists tend to indicate that once a man has had his orgasm he switches off, I am quite the contrary. I tent to feel like my love has been born again, and make sure that the privilege of having her is rewarded. Her good mood seems to last for days, she seems to have a glow and a genuine happiness about her. Caged or uncaged! More recently being caged seems to extend this effect. Please understand that it has taken some time for the cage to become totally accepted. It was off and on for a good 6 months, then on for a while then off. I am expecting with some trepidation that its going to be a normal to be caged for some time to come.

This is a journey, part of the journey is for me to help my precious lady understand how a mans mind thinks, more specifically her submissive husband. Around her finger is a great read, and I do intend to show the entire book to her once I am in a sufficient subspace once again. Both parties in a relationship require learning in order for this dynamic to work. I am not sure if you would call this topping from the bottom. Perhaps in some respects it is, on the other hand maybe I am just offering up information that Sarah can choose to accept or ignore. I honestly hope she accepts the information since I truly believe that although not very much would actually change, the dynamics could change dramatically for the better. After all, as long as we are happy, does anything else really matter?

Thanks for your kind words in the comments, keep em coming, and I will write about how I introduced my wife to the cage soon :)

Always been the boss.

When I think back to when we first met, I remember quite clearly Sarah warning me that she was bossy. Back then of course I was still of the mindset that I was/would be the dominant partner although at that time I did not even know what D/S even if at some level I knew instinctively. I actually challenged her there and then and warned her right back that she should watch out for me!!

For the first few years of our relationship as one would expect we fought like you would not believe, we would fight about anything. It would seem that Sarah’s strategy in a fight would be to get twice as angry as me no matter how angry I was. As a consequence I usually caved in just in order to make it stop. Of course this did not stop me from starting another round. I just never learned, never accepted that she would be the leader.

Sex was absolutely fantastic, we had so much I actually wondered if I could keep up. I remember waking up with sore tummy muscles on numerous occasions, and I am a fairly fit person!! We discovered sex could be had anywhere, behind a tree off a busy walking track, standing behind her while she admired the view off a lookout, in the car with the rain bucketing down up on a hill near a lighthouse. Now those were the days!!!

At one point when the fighting just grew to a point I could not handle, AND one of her old boyfriends was sniffing around I called her bluff, and called it quits before we were married. This had the effect of evening things up from a D/S perspective once she realized that I could and would walk away if things were out of hand.

Strangely or probably not so strangely this ended up leading to us being married. During this respite I has some liaisons with a old girlfriend (who thinking back was definitely sub), and although she remains very special to me I realized that I did not love her and that Sarah was the one that owned my heart. Now thinking back what suffered greatly was our sex life, Sarah has never initiated sex, however subtly has controlled when it occurs by simply saying no. Simply saying no indifferently became a lot more common, and being told no indifferently was something I did not cope with very well at all.

In spite of the cooling sex life it was still pretty good, Sarah really wanted to get married as she was a few years older than me, and one of the reasons she claimed for the cool down in our physical relationship was that she was starting to feel stressed that I may be wasting her time.

Once Sarah became secure in marriage, it was not long before the children came along, with the family dog and hence for the next 14 years have been spent (and still spending) being exceptionally busy with having a large family.

Sarah has always been the unofficial leader of the family, we always have done what she wants to do on weekends, mainly because of the volatility and repercussions if we don’t do things her way. I do not mean to make Sarah sound like a bitch, she just simply likes to do things her way.

Mum has to OK pretty much anything that happens. It is usually about keeping mum happy, and this has actually presented quite a challenge through the paths of young children, socio structures within schools not to mention all the other pressures of a growing household.

I think during this time our relationship had separated, quite obviously life’s priorities had changed, sex life dwindled significantly, and I fell into the trap of “yes dear” and growling at her for each task, and each decision she made.

I am not sure if what I am experiencing now is a fad, or if it will become permanent. I know that the chastity thing has gone on as a turn on for a few years now, the odd thing is that it is great to fantasize about being locked up but once you ARE you CAN’T get off on it because ITS ON!!, so it is a bit of a enigma. I do know that she has been a very happy woman for the last 3 weeks or so, I actually think she is growing fond of me!!

Right now I think Sarah is still finding herself following my admission that I want to be submissive to her. She has begun to give me small orders regarding back massages, and other duties but she is yet to utilize her sexual energy to turn on my dynamo. I am not sure if I can continue in this frame of thinking unless she “charges me up” and uses her womanly charm to give enthusiasm to the tasks she sets me. Baby steps, at least there are some steps being taken and so I remain optomistic :)

To be fair to her however it will take time for her to realize that I am really NOT going to ask for sex, and won’t even with teasing and denial. I think its hard for her to understand that inputting sexual energy won’t result in me being frustrated. I think its because that I crave sexual attention not actual sex, I would go on further to say I would like to pleasure her sexually even if it meant no release for me!! I doubt this will happen since Sarah takes the attitude “well whats the point then?” claiming in the past at least that sex is something she does for me, not for her. Me giving her oral sex for example simply does not interest her even though I have told her point blank she can keep my cage on…keys locked in the safe even so that even if she wanted too I couldn’t get out!!

Perhaps if I keep up this behavior her own dynamo will ignite, I think/hope I just need to be patient. I hope that does not sound like a veiled threat, but I think any sub knows that you need to be dommed or at the very least have your sub buttons pressed in order to maintain submissiveness. Submission to indifferance is just not compatible.

I have been locked away now for 10 days (ish I think) and it does get tough. It is still a challenge I face, yet I do find that now since I have really only had 12 hours free in coming up to 3 weeks the pressure has become easier to control. I hope I can wait until she offers to release me rather than me asking. I do wonder if I will be putting it straight back on again. I find that after a good session of passion with my wife I FEEL like wearing it for her at least for the next day or so, if I do not put it back on in those few days it becomes extremely difficult to cage oneself.

Thanks to digger for being my first commenter, I have been following diggers blog for a very long time and was one of the first ones I followed with any regularity.

Testing Week Ahead

I must admit it’s a bit of a struggle today. In my first entry I mentioned that recently I have been using the CB device quite a lot recently. The truth of it is that I have been in it more often then out of it the last few months.

These last 15 days I have only been out of it for 24 hours where my wife and I engaged in some pretty decent lurve makin. The fact is using a device like this can really improve your sex life, and in my case I believe it does improve the relationship with my wife as well. In addition since showing my wife the “around her finger” website, I have even been rewarded with “I love you” a few times, which really means a lot to me and helps deal with the frustration and the ongoing arousal and frustration the cage produces.

Why is it such a struggle today? Well, I have been in it now for 7 night since that really nice session, and just when I was beginning to hope for a release my wife announced to me that its “that time of the month”. Pretty hard when your hopes are dashed and are faced with at the very least another 5-7 days trapped in the device. I was half expecting her to release me for my own pleasure last night however that did not happen.

Be that as it may, the fact is Sarah seems to be much happier and relaxed when I am caged. A few months back we were going through a bit of a rough patch, sex was going bad, and we were arguing. It happened to coincide with my inability to bring myself to put the cage back on. It’s a great fantasy to wear a cb but the reality of it day to day…well put it this way it’s a lot less appealing after one has pleased themselves.

I am coming to a conclusion that self pleasuring has a lot to answer for. When it comes to a marriage, excessive use of my favorite toy has probably not helped my attitude to her. Its kind like “fuck u very much” every time I feel like it. I will say this however, simply abstaining from self pleasuring is NOT the same as wearing a CB, Wearing the CB is a symbol of my commitment to my wife, and I think she sees value in that. It’s a pretty good wedding ring!!!

She rewards me with being uncharacteristically patient with my failings, and being basically in a good mood ….this week even during her PMT!! Not only is it a symbol for her, wearing it actually arousing. You can feel it like a gloved hand every minute of the day. It is not uncomfortable, ever, except for at about 3.30AM every morning when a nocturnal woody wakes me and I have to stand up until it subsides. But day to day its like my wife hand gives me a stroke every time I think of her.

The feeling is really blissful, but there is really a rollercoaster ride of emotion, from frustration, even resentment through to the constant pleasurable arousal. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it, the sacrifice is larger than I let on to her, but it is great to see a spark of affection in her eyes, which for so long has been completely absent. I do wish she would acknowledge/and or tease me, literally increase the sexual energy without sex, this would encourage my feelings of devotion to her. Indifference is certainly a submissive killer.

After showing her Around her finger, I can’t think of a better symbol of submission than wearing a cage. It seems I will be wearing it for some time to come. I have just paid for and downloaded the book. Read it cover to cover. I think things are developing by themselves for the minute. Sarah seems to like the control, I may yet show this book to her. She has tried (after reading the intro on the website) telling me a few times to do things around the house, each time she has used the voice it has sent tingles through me of arousal. It’s a far cry from the normal mode of winging and nagging that just gets me wound up!!! I hope this positive response from me encourages her to take things further.

There is definitely something to this.

My first entry.

How can one possibly compete or be as interesting as many of the blogs on the internet. There seems to be so many submissive men starting up blogs admitting to the world that their wife leads them in marriage, and even those that are prepared to cage up their cocks in order to please their wives, or themselves whatever the case may be.

Some of those blogs you have to wonder if they are real, or if they are some ones fantasy of what reality they think they would desire. Some are no doubt real, as this one will be.

I am a warts and all kind of guy. and I by no stretch fit into the normal submissive guy/husband boyfriend category. In fact I think in as far as relationships go I have always been the dominant entity, that is until I met my wife. I am by no means a perfect husband, and lately I have been looking hard at myself. In all honesty I do not know if I should be classified as submissive, switch or a dom, whatever I am sure there will be ample opportunity for both praise and criticism

This blog will hopeful be interesting to those who are trying to explore their relationships, trying to find something that will take it away from being plain old boringly vanilla. That said, it is not purely about being kinky, it is about relationship dynamics and differing personalities, and also how two unlikely personalities may find a way of co existing in a happier household.

Let me reassure you that I am a normal guy living in Australia, with a very vanilla wife and I have 4 kids all at school age. As such with the trials and tribulations of marriage and kids there have been some great times and some really hard times. We do not have sex very often, not nearly as often as I would like, alas probably pretty normal. There is a twist however.

About 3 years ago I discovered a fascination for chastity devices, it took a long time before I purchased a CB 3000, however about 18 months ago I finally I purchased one. It took another 3-4 months to tell my wife about it. Now more recently I have started to wear it as more or less a permanent part of our relationship.

What’s more very recently I introduced my wife to the "around her finger" website which my wife is currently still absorbing. I think/hope we may be on the cusp of something special. This blog hopes to share this journey with you. I hope you find it interesting.