First of all I want to thank Ms Rika for the time that was taken in her very thoughtful and informative comment to my last entry. In fact I decided it was so well articulated I hope that Ms Rika does not mind that I reproduce it here:
This is an area on which I've done a lot of research, counseling, and writing. Making D/s or FLR work for the long term in an existing relationship requires a lot of work and communication. Most men realize this, but think that their communication efforts should be focused on teaching their wives how to be dominant. I'm here to tell you that's a sorely misguided focus!
What these men fail to understand (at first), is that their inner need to submit and serve their partners is a psychological need, more than a physiological one. It's not what you do, it's WHY you do it! The desire to serve a woman can be satisfied in many, many ways. The kinky games and plastic devices are not real - they're playtime; scene-based - and therefore can only address the surface of the desire...the real satisfaction comes from the emotional connection and commitment to the D/s dynamic. This dynamic has to be natural to both partners or it cannot last for any real length of time.
Consider what "service" means. Who is serving whom? If you're submissive, your primary focus should be on serving your dominant partner...right? Do you think your wife is best served by her having to learn to want something new? Or do you think it will be better served if you were to learn what she wants...and then deliver it? Furthermore, do you think it will be easier for her to ACCEPT your service, if the service provides something she naturally wants, considers 'normal', and honestly enjoys?
Men too often approach their wives with predetermined views of what domiannce is; how an FLR operates, how the woman acts; what she wants, and what he does. His demands are usually presented as a list of things she can do TO him...very seldom are these things really FOR her. Afterall, it's something he's been focused on for a long time. He's done a lot of research on the subject: read a lot of books, followed a lot of blogs, seen a lot of videos. He's got is PhD in the 'submissive arts'! Of course he's an expert on the subject..So he wonders: if only she'd take the time to learn what it is that I know she wants! Why won't she learn to dominate me correctly??? Why doesn't she see the enormous benefit to having me as her slave?
There are real, practical, workable ways to overcome this problem. You are definitely NOT breaking new ground. However, the first step in defining your unique service to your unique wife is to divorce yourself of the standard-fare, male-centric fantasy you've studied all these years and figure out what she really wants! Then you need to communicate your intent to serve her and gain her agreement to accept your service. She needs to step up to the plate as well, as she needs to commit to accept your service from a position of dominance. Once you've achieved this agreement, she will recognize the benefit of your service and you can begin to recognize satisfaction in service in ways you never thought possible!
This is a long, long subject - in fact I've literally written a book about it! In a VERY Short space, I've tried to break the ice with you...I don't know if you'll simply dismiss it or take it seriously. I recommend you check out my site (www.msrika.com) and join my forum...and even consider my book!
- Rika.
You do indeed know your topic well, and I have done and am guilty of all those things. This is a very very complicated topic and I have asked myself those very same questions time and time again. It is not a simple matter to simply submit in all aspects of ones life and this is what can make the path precarious at times. The temptation to convey how you feel, or what you think you deserve for service is tempting at times, whats more the dynamic of FLR can change dependent on environmental influences. Things change in family life and it requires at times a shift of the FLR dynamic to and from submission and even dominance. Sarah wants and needs this from me at times.
But if we average things out, the focus is always on what it is that makes Sarah happy. Even before I became intrigued by the more materialistic aspects of FLR.
I am sure you will gain many a chuckle on the PHD in submissive arts comment, it is so true, if only I had paid so much attention during class, I would perhaps be making some more money!!
BTW I am already a member of your forum and we have spoken previously (some time ago) although I can't remember under which alias. But your advice back then was as equally valuable.
I take completely what you have said on board and thank you once again for your comments.
That plate is a challenge though, I am not sure if she wants to step up to it.
I will definitely be looking at your book
3 comments:
The "plate" she needs to step up to is indeed a large one...with a lot of responsbility. However, it will be much easier and more comfortable for her in the context I provide in the approach.
Again, this is a SHORT synopsis of what's in the approach, but there are really only three things she needs to provide: Acceptance and recognition of his intent to serve, open communication of what will make her happy (none of the - 'You should have known' stuff), and open feedback on his progress (against the measure of her happiness) with corrections and information on how he can improve his service to her.
In reality, that's all that's necessary to establish a D/s dynamic. His commitment to serve and her acceptance of that commitment with the reciprocal commitment to openly let him know how he's doing and a promise to help him provide the best service possible.
My critics cliam (yes I have some!) that the approach is too one-sided and that HIS needs are not considered. What they really mean is 'this deal does not guarantee me fantasy fulfillment!' What they're looking for is a binding agreement where the woman has to treat him the way he enjoys.
Men and women both have the right to request specific behaviours / activities from their partners...and they should. Hopefully, with strong, healthy, loving relationships, many of these requests will be fulfilled. But you can't use a commitment to serve to mask a request for BDSM fantasy fulfillment! When a man tries this approach, we know his request is not for us and, even if we try to act it out, it won't last.
So, the trick is to separate the D/s dynamic from the request for fantasy fulfillment. The D/s dynamic is about service - catering to her needs - whatever they may be...if they are BDSM-oriented activities, then you may kill both birds with the same stone, but more likely they will be a different set of activities. The BDSM-style fantasy fulfillment stuff will remain addressed as such and she, if she agrees to do them, will be giving these activities as gifts.
This is a very simplistic view of the approach. In the book, I go over a lot more detail and provide techniques for achieving them. I even provide a complete section on male-centric activities to help women become more comfortable with the fantasy fulfillment challenge.
Very eloquent advice! What I have seen a lot is that we men mistake the "what does he for her" as a domestic service request. It only recently occurred to me that catering her emotional needs is far more important than any cleaning. In most blogs that I have read, the men start FLR, because something in their relationship is not working. So the first step must be to solve any problems that exist. What better way is there, than to understand the needs and problems of your partner and to take care of them. Only then can you hope to interest your partner in something new.
To quote Ms Rika, I have a "... PhD in the 'submissive arts'..." I have done all the studies and some of the practice. Is spite of my vast resources on the subject I still fail regularly. I can tell, because I am seldom satisfied, and more importantly, my wife reminds me of my failure. It's not that I am not trying. I just need someone to help focus my attention. I know that is selfish of me, but I have only so much resolve before I need redirection.
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