Changes

Have not posted for ages, actually I tried the other day but I just ran out of time. Been so very busy lately, went on a long holiday as well and since we have been back......

I have been doing some reading, and again I have to thank Ms Rika, because a lite again has come on.

Sarah always senses when I expect a reward, and in doing this Sarah feels like she owes me something, and Sarah really HATES feeling like she owes anyone anything.

So My mistake has been giving Sarah the impression that she OWES me for keeping me locked up, when in fact she is doing me a favor. After it is me who wants it, and it is me that enjoys pampering her once I fall into that delicious Subspace. But for me subspace only lasts for so long before it manifests into me feeling like Sarah OWES me, and she Sarah feels it...and Sarah stops ...or stopped enjoying it.

So how can I recover from this disaster??

We basically I have to accept that all this submissive stuff is in MY head not Sarah's and that any indulgent on her part is a favor to me. If she holds my keys then it is a TREAT, and not something she will owe me for later!!! My previous behavious have only served to damage what was beginning to germinate as a dominant Sarah.

So I have approached her again...but this time I told her that I am doing it for me...and aksed if she could just supervise the key, not hide it....then it is ME that is providing the self control in not using it....and not her enforcing it, I have suggested that I wear it from Sunday night till Friday night, and if she keys are still out then I will remove it, but if she chooses to hide them then that is her prerogative...Sarah seems fine with this so far, but then she has not hidden them or taken them either...

Its funny though almost immediately following this discussion, even though it was not going on for a few days yet, Sarah because to issue orders again...and I felt I already had my cock locked up, and on the Saturday night we had some delicious intimacy such that I could not wait to get my cock in its cage Sunday night.

As the week has progressed though, Sarah seems to be avoiding leting me do anything extra" for her, and so in respect of this I am just taking it easy and treading softly, that said this morning we were woken an hour earlier than usual and I massaged her for a full hour, until i think she had had enough..lol...

Well we will see how it goes, i know its not really correct to connect this behavior with the cage but it seems to work for me.

Giving up orgasms though is kind of like smoking, Smokers call their addiction a nicotine "chatter", that bends your mind and trys to convince u to have a smoke.

For me having no orgasms is like that, the longer I go the louder the chatter, justifying the need for release, convincing me that I deserve a release, and convincing me that Sarah OWES me a release. It has been my inability to hand this in the past that has been my failure.

I gave up smoking, and I silenced the chatter, (yep I found that masturbating helped with nicotine cravings...lol...definitely increased frequency and ability following quiting)

Early days yet but I am hoping I can silence this chatter too, or at least put it in a cage till it grows smaller and more manageable. Maybe let Sarahs voice be that voice that calls me to action.

Have to Take it easy...and let Sarah like this mindset once again. At least if I get really desperate I can use the key and maybe head things off if I really have to, dropping from sometimes as many as 6 sometimes 8 orgasms per day to zero is a tough call.

Lol maybe this blog should be entitled, "A sexual deviates fight with orgasm addition and how this fits into a vanilla marriage" Still at least my orgasm addiction is fixated on either my hand or my wife..

*****EDIT****** I just read Subservier's journey latest entry, and I have to agree with everything he said, perhaps if I am lucky I will find some middle ground, but pressuring is definitely not the way. I guess in some respects I am by harping on about the cage, and yet Sarah has told me point blank she likes it, then point blank for me to get rid of it, both totally opposites. I think in my case Sarah tends to talk in absolutes, I behaved badly at the end of the last session which was a stupid mistake and so Sarah painted the whole experience bad. So this experience had better be good, or its over for good.

But the dream of Sarah actually DOMINATING me even half way to what Elise Sutton advocates is never going to happen, and nor would I really want her to...not really into cuckholding anyway even if for some reason I love reading about it, I could never handle a reality like that.

There are aspects I could handle and enjoy for sure, but Sarah would never ever do it. It is just as Subservier says ...a fantasy. At least for Subservier you DID get to experience it for a time, I guess I do in some ways as Sarah goes hot and cold about the cage but I think it is me that makes it into a domination thing, that said Sarah has said somethings in the past that are unmistakably along the dominating path "you don't decide what to do I do" quote when I asked her if I could go down on her...lol

Subservier I think that you are lucky in some respects that your wife had a libido sufficient to indulge your fetish to the extent that she did, my use of the anti sex device is a different experience but one born from lack of Sarahs libido, now if Sarah DID have a libido then I think it would be verrry interesting..lol

But getting back to what you said, I end up being a selfish submissive as well, I want to be submissive and I ALSO want to be rewarded for it. And why should Sarah reward me for something that she is already rewarding me by indulging me.

I hope you find some middle ground eventually, I know how these feelings and cravings never go away.

I am amazed at how much I craved and how much I missed wearing the cage, so bazaar since I also miss satisfying myself now I am wearing it ....I can't, and I hate not being able to cum...

Looking forward to friday....Sarah not hidden them so unless she does it comes off for the weekend :d LOL Imagine my face if she decided to hide them on friday....now that will rock my little world

Then I have to focus on not pestering her for sex....and certainly not because I have been wearing the cage all week.

I am hoping that I can find some middle ground as well, but the dream needs a reality check, and there are I agree some aspects of the dream that should they be real....I would want it to stop pretty quick....