Eyes opening

First of all I want to thank Ms Rika for the time that was taken in her very thoughtful and informative comment to my last entry. In fact I decided it was so well articulated I hope that Ms Rika does not mind that I reproduce it here:

This is an area on which I've done a lot of research, counseling, and writing. Making D/s or FLR work for the long term in an existing relationship requires a lot of work and communication. Most men realize this, but think that their communication efforts should be focused on teaching their wives how to be dominant. I'm here to tell you that's a sorely misguided focus!

What these men fail to understand (at first), is that their inner need to submit and serve their partners is a psychological need, more than a physiological one. It's not what you do, it's WHY you do it! The desire to serve a woman can be satisfied in many, many ways. The kinky games and plastic devices are not real - they're playtime; scene-based - and therefore can only address the surface of the desire...the real satisfaction comes from the emotional connection and commitment to the D/s dynamic. This dynamic has to be natural to both partners or it cannot last for any real length of time.

Consider what "service" means. Who is serving whom? If you're submissive, your primary focus should be on serving your dominant partner...right? Do you think your wife is best served by her having to learn to want something new? Or do you think it will be better served if you were to learn what she wants...and then deliver it? Furthermore, do you think it will be easier for her to ACCEPT your service, if the service provides something she naturally wants, considers 'normal', and honestly enjoys?

Men too often approach their wives with predetermined views of what domiannce is; how an FLR operates, how the woman acts; what she wants, and what he does. His demands are usually presented as a list of things she can do TO him...very seldom are these things really FOR her. Afterall, it's something he's been focused on for a long time. He's done a lot of research on the subject: read a lot of books, followed a lot of blogs, seen a lot of videos. He's got is PhD in the 'submissive arts'! Of course he's an expert on the subject..So he wonders: if only she'd take the time to learn what it is that I know she wants! Why won't she learn to dominate me correctly??? Why doesn't she see the enormous benefit to having me as her slave?

There are real, practical, workable ways to overcome this problem. You are definitely NOT breaking new ground. However, the first step in defining your unique service to your unique wife is to divorce yourself of the standard-fare, male-centric fantasy you've studied all these years and figure out what she really wants! Then you need to communicate your intent to serve her and gain her agreement to accept your service. She needs to step up to the plate as well, as she needs to commit to accept your service from a position of dominance. Once you've achieved this agreement, she will recognize the benefit of your service and you can begin to recognize satisfaction in service in ways you never thought possible!

This is a long, long subject - in fact I've literally written a book about it! In a VERY Short space, I've tried to break the ice with you...I don't know if you'll simply dismiss it or take it seriously. I recommend you check out my site (www.msrika.com) and join my forum...and even consider my book!
- Rika.

You do indeed know your topic well, and I have done and am guilty of all those things. This is a very very complicated topic and I have asked myself those very same questions time and time again. It is not a simple matter to simply submit in all aspects of ones life and this is what can make the path precarious at times. The temptation to convey how you feel, or what you think you deserve for service is tempting at times, whats more the dynamic of FLR can change dependent on environmental influences. Things change in family life and it requires at times a shift of the FLR dynamic to and from submission and even dominance. Sarah wants and needs this from me at times.

But if we average things out, the focus is always on what it is that makes Sarah happy. Even before I became intrigued by the more materialistic aspects of FLR.

I am sure you will gain many a chuckle on the PHD in submissive arts comment, it is so true, if only I had paid so much attention during class, I would perhaps be making some more money!!

BTW I am already a member of your forum and we have spoken previously (some time ago) although I can't remember under which alias. But your advice back then was as equally valuable.

I take completely what you have said on board and thank you once again for your comments.

That plate is a challenge though, I am not sure if she wants to step up to it.

I will definitely be looking at your book

The end of the cage

First of all, GREAT to hear from you Helpmate, I was so sorry to see your blog go private, if you are still updating it I would love to read what you have been up to.

Thanks for your comments, they are taken on board. I am so consciouses of my deteriorating fitness not its very near time for action. I am helping out at training for one of my sons once a week, its start, much running around, but I need more. I have cut down on my drinking (with the exception of this weekend just gone...went away with some other families), and do feel a bit better for it.

As for the cage, it seems this is dead and buried, I asked Sarah before a session of passion a few nights ago if she wanted the keys again, nope, does not want them and then proceeds to tell me she does not like the cage and never has....well so much for that then.

I could delude myself and tell myself she is fibbing and there is certainly a lot of evidence to support that theory, at some point she has been fibbing because she had told me previously that she liked me wearing it. Sarah does this though, she says whatever is in her head CURRENTLY, and does not average her thoughts out, I am not sure if you know what I mean, she won't look at things holistically but rather takes a snapshot, in other words, at that point in time Sarah did not like the cage and has never liked it. This is of course subject to change.

So I will be keeping it and not throwing it out as I suggested the other night ( I asked her if she thought then if I should get rid of it...which she issued an affirmative but not positively) but I won't be asking if she wants the keys for a good few months.

I think its time for a complete break from these thoughts, give Sarah a break as well. There is time enough and judging by many of the blogs and other resources on the web it appears that this kind of thinking and lifestyle matures with age. Sarah does not have the time to spend thinking about this stuff at this time in her life, I know many women do make time for this but not Sarah, this just makes her a more dedicated mum perhaps.

The other thing if I am to approach the cage again is to present it to her such that she is doing it for me, my mistake has been presenting it such that I am doing it for her (and us). I think the truth of it is that perhaps I am deluding myself into thinking I am doing it for us? I am not sure.

Trouble is there is too much evidence that it helps our relationship, but one thing that is important in a FLR is acknowledgment and Sarah struggles with this I think. Sarah can't acknowledge the cage and FLR because she has a barrier against it, it makes her a mean cock teaser and sadistic wife, this is in conflict with how she views herself which is as a supportive wife and fantastic mum. Of course she is those things as well, and she can be those things AND lock my cock up and lead my marital life as well, but I don't think Sarah sees it that way.

So much of this blog has been about the cage, and so it seems like my whole erotic fantasy revolves around this little plastic device. Probably the reason is that its the ONLY thing I have EVER done that has managed to stimulate Sarah into intimacy and FLR if only a little bit. The cage does put me in a submissive state and Sarah HAS demonstrated dominant FL tendencies, more so when I am wearing it, it DOES give her power, and she does seem to relinquish this power when the cage comes off. To put an end to it does seem sad and does seem to be an end to pursuing the more interesting aspects of a FLR.

That said, its weird, the cage experience has been good for both of us, even though Sarah does not want me wearing it, Sarah seems happier and we do seem closer than we have been for years. Perhaps the cage has simply served its purpose and it is time to move on.

This is also worth considering.

Ii am not sure if Sarah will ever participate in O/D or tease and denial, strap on play or some of the other more explicit forms of fem domination. I wish she would if only to experience what it is like, I don't even know if I would like it, though I think I would....

Sarah won't ever know because she may never entertain the thought long enough to give it its due consideration.

But does it really matter?

As long as we are close then it should not matter.

But I can't help craving for more, I need to be wary of falling into the same trap others have and end up pushing too hard and destroying the gains we have made.

True FLR is when one simply does what the woman wants, puts her needs and wants first, I have ALWAYS tried to do this anyway, ever since we met, but with one caveat, I want and need sex and more recently and more importantly intimacy, and if I don't get it then fuck you, blunt I know, sad but probably true. That said about sex&intimacy, I ALWAYS put Sarah first when it comes to sex, AS LONG AS WE HAVE SOME, ...whatever form of intimacy it may be!!

I know I am too wrapped up in the kinkier aspects of FLR, but the dynamo that drives us men is after all our libido which is entwined with love for our spouses and so things that turn us on ARE some of the more attractive components of a FLR.

Sarah like so many women like to cherry pick the aspects of FLR that appeal to them, and a true man in a FLR should be happy for this to occur. But this is not what DROVE a man into this place in the first place, its in most cases kinky thoughts of a woman making him into a sex slave.

And again it all ends up being about sex.

But can a man survive in a FLR without ANY of those cherries he craved in the first place....I think not.

Simply put it takes two to tango, You can't have a FLR unless the female is prepared to lead AND offer up some of the other fruits on the trees. It may as well be vanilla

And so we are nearly vanilla again, but the craving is a hard fire to extinguish, and I do wonder how long I can keep it at bay.

I am trying to maintain some of the aspects of FLR, on a maintenance basis. It will be interesting to see if Sarah leads it anywhere over the next few months.