Starting up a business sure eats into your time, and blogging unfortunately is one of the casualties of this exercise.
Also there seems to be a plethora of blogs now dedicated to orgasm control and chastity with very prolific writers and their followers, not that it’s a competition or a pissing contest but what I have to say just can’t compare to the participation and the depth of these other bloggers and to the extent their wives play along.
Also I think I lost a few people when I tried to reduce my ridiculous sex drive by trying different drugs, I guess I am a bit out there, still the remains a struggle, certainly not a new one though and my overtly large sex drive remains a problem for Sarah given hers is completely my sex drive inverted.
Still I find it funny though that even though I have not updated this blog for a long time, it still seems to rank quite highly in the google searches, maybe I could put some links to by business in here….ummm….not!!!....although I have pretty much come clean with Sarah now on all of my activities pertaining to reducing my sex drive….I think she still would rather my two orbs be removed completely…
We took a long break from the chastity cage, Sarah did not see the point since she feels that she has to let me out every 3-4 days even if its to let me relieve myself, and she stated point blank that she would rather never let me out of it. I don’t really understand this notion that developed of hers that she has to let me out every 3 days or so, I think it possibly comes from guilt of keeping me locked up. It is funny she always seems to give up on cage play just when I feel like I am falling into a rhythm of good submissive husband mindset, and when I think she is developing a taste for control (see previous post)
In any case a few weeks ago after I had been pestering her for sex for a few days on end, as you do when your wife says no, she told me to put the cage back on in no uncertain terms, and so here I sit caged again.
This time though having read all of the other blogs around the place, I pretty much know we are doomed to fail in this mindset, Sarah just can’t bring her self to be interested in tease and denial, or even this female led dynamic, it simply takes too much effort on her part, and she is not prepared to entertain it. So for those of you that do have a wife that are prepared to invest their time and THOUGHT towards this dynamic just remember there are those of us would be sub husbands that completely and totally envy your situation.
The other issue we have is that Sarah really does lack libido, she is simply not interested in having orgasms on a semi regular basis, in fact I think she would quite happily be orgasmless for months on end, she calls it a chore, it again takes too much effort.
And so this is the reason why chastity for us is most probably set to fail, it is a celibacy device rather than a chastity/tease and denial device. This is how Sarah sees it, and uses it as a way of gaining peace from my relentless cock. While initially this was exciting in itself, now it has become somewhat of a bore.
Its been clear to me for a long time I have a desire to submit sexual control to Sarah, but submission in itself is not enough, there also has to be control. This seems to be a common thread in all D & S scenarios. With Sarah , I actually think she likes the control, but she just can’t be bothered. It also becomes an effort for me as well, because although I feel all the subby feelings, and make an extraordinary effort to serve Sarah, backrubs, hot milks, wanting to be with her, offering to meet for coffees, much of these things she gets while I am not caged but, certainly I put in 110%, but what I find is that it does not make one little tiny bit of difference how much effort I put in and how much I really do adore and worship her as a woman, I am still sleeping next to what may as well be a sack filled with sand….a very beautiful sack of sand but as responsive as a sack of sand, one that finds it an effort to even talk about this dynamic, or its associated bits.
Fear is the mind killer, no…fear is not the mind killer, fear at least is exciting.
Indifference is the mind killer.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Update
I have finally progressed to the number 4 ring of the CB6000, and let me tell you its taken nearly 2 years of wearing to get to a point where I can tolerate the smaller ring on a long term basis.
Its not wearing it during the day that is so much of a issue, although Sarah gave me a 2 day (she specified the 2 days) break the other day and it seemed like after 2 days out , puting the smaller ring back on was mighty uncomfortable especially at night for the first few nights.
The point is with the smaller ring is that I really can't escape from it. In fact I am flat out getting it on. I do not shave my hair down there so if I actually took the ring apart as you can with the CB6000 rings then I can get it on but not without the pubic hair being a real problem, so what I normally do is put my balls through one at a time then use a stocking to pull my cock through....then use the stocking again to put the tube and the KSDG3 on as well. The trouble is with the number four ring I can only JUST fir my balls through and then there is not enough space to get my cock through.....I have tried a few times and I can just do it but but really hurts so I have settled on taking the ring apart and taking my time not to get ahir caught. The point is that if I can't get my cock through the ring even with the help of a stocking pulling it through then its impossible to pull it out the back, there is no space.I can shift it around a bit but I can't actually get it out. Once your used to the small ring its actually more comfortable during the day but night time sucks big time....even with my reduced erections from the hair drug...
Update on that is my hair is noticeably thicker, it really does work!! ...but I am pretty sure its still making me a bit tired and I feel but I am not sure it might be taking the edge off my ability to process data, I feel like I am limited somehow but I can't quite put my finger on it. All that said I have been working out a lot at the gym and managed to loose a whole 6 KGs (13 pounds ) in 6 weeks, so I actually should be feeling better. My wife took my son to another doctor and thankfully it seems like putting him on the same drug has been put off for a few years...when I consider the side effect it is having on me I am not sure if I would be happy him taking it at his age even if the doctors say its OK.
Now to Sarah, Sarah has definitely taken control of our sex life, or lack of it, actually though the last time we had sex was mind blowing....Sarah does not like to be touched with hands during foreplay, she only likes to feel a hard cock rub between her legs, usually as soon as she is aroused she will direct my entry then allow me to stroke her clit and various other good parts in order to enhance her experience. This time however she did not direct me inside her but she left me rubbing on the outside to the point where I was so hard and desperate I was on the edge of coming just like I was, especially after a whole week sine my last release. In the end I was wondering if Sarah was ever going to let me in, talk about the ultimate tease!!!, she was really freaking me out, eventually I decided that perhaps she had no intention of letting me in so I started to rub her clit with my hand while the head of my cock moved just near her opening, I dared not put it in until Sarah decided it was time and Sarah was getting off on the fact that I would not put it in until she decided to the extent that she climaxed with out me ever entering her. But then she surprised me by putting me in AFTER she had climaxed...to which I uttered...a noooo....because I wanted it to be just for her...alas I lasted about 30 milli seconds before I blew my load...
Move on a week or two ...after being released just for bottom rubs (which is the only release I have had in about 3 weeks) the last bottom rub I was a bit disappointed that Sarah was not getting into it and I let her know it as well (which was a bit of a mistake)....actually I had climaxed but not to the point Sarah knew although I had been massaging and rubbing against her back for a while....Sarah asked if I had come or not, and I had to admit that I had. Sarah responded by telling me that I was lucky I had because she was going to tell me to lock it back up as punishment for complaining, that I was lucky to get to rub my cock on her bum....well.....consider my sub button pushed...pressed home completely. Of course I locked back up the next day.
A few days later, I had been especially good (I am not going into details) and Sarah produced the keys again, she told me that she was pleased with me and that I had earned a few days release from the cage, but ONLY for 2 nights after which I was to put it back on however there was not going to be sex because she had her period (well that sucked). Sarah actually went on to say that she is enjoying the control she now has over our sex life and that she is wanting me to keep wearing it....well i asked for it.
I have now been wearing the CB6000 for roughly 4 months with the longest break being a single 2 week break in the middle. A new record for me.
Its not wearing it during the day that is so much of a issue, although Sarah gave me a 2 day (she specified the 2 days) break the other day and it seemed like after 2 days out , puting the smaller ring back on was mighty uncomfortable especially at night for the first few nights.
The point is with the smaller ring is that I really can't escape from it. In fact I am flat out getting it on. I do not shave my hair down there so if I actually took the ring apart as you can with the CB6000 rings then I can get it on but not without the pubic hair being a real problem, so what I normally do is put my balls through one at a time then use a stocking to pull my cock through....then use the stocking again to put the tube and the KSDG3 on as well. The trouble is with the number four ring I can only JUST fir my balls through and then there is not enough space to get my cock through.....I have tried a few times and I can just do it but but really hurts so I have settled on taking the ring apart and taking my time not to get ahir caught. The point is that if I can't get my cock through the ring even with the help of a stocking pulling it through then its impossible to pull it out the back, there is no space.I can shift it around a bit but I can't actually get it out. Once your used to the small ring its actually more comfortable during the day but night time sucks big time....even with my reduced erections from the hair drug...
Update on that is my hair is noticeably thicker, it really does work!! ...but I am pretty sure its still making me a bit tired and I feel but I am not sure it might be taking the edge off my ability to process data, I feel like I am limited somehow but I can't quite put my finger on it. All that said I have been working out a lot at the gym and managed to loose a whole 6 KGs (13 pounds ) in 6 weeks, so I actually should be feeling better. My wife took my son to another doctor and thankfully it seems like putting him on the same drug has been put off for a few years...when I consider the side effect it is having on me I am not sure if I would be happy him taking it at his age even if the doctors say its OK.
Now to Sarah, Sarah has definitely taken control of our sex life, or lack of it, actually though the last time we had sex was mind blowing....Sarah does not like to be touched with hands during foreplay, she only likes to feel a hard cock rub between her legs, usually as soon as she is aroused she will direct my entry then allow me to stroke her clit and various other good parts in order to enhance her experience. This time however she did not direct me inside her but she left me rubbing on the outside to the point where I was so hard and desperate I was on the edge of coming just like I was, especially after a whole week sine my last release. In the end I was wondering if Sarah was ever going to let me in, talk about the ultimate tease!!!, she was really freaking me out, eventually I decided that perhaps she had no intention of letting me in so I started to rub her clit with my hand while the head of my cock moved just near her opening, I dared not put it in until Sarah decided it was time and Sarah was getting off on the fact that I would not put it in until she decided to the extent that she climaxed with out me ever entering her. But then she surprised me by putting me in AFTER she had climaxed...to which I uttered...a noooo....because I wanted it to be just for her...alas I lasted about 30 milli seconds before I blew my load...
Move on a week or two ...after being released just for bottom rubs (which is the only release I have had in about 3 weeks) the last bottom rub I was a bit disappointed that Sarah was not getting into it and I let her know it as well (which was a bit of a mistake)....actually I had climaxed but not to the point Sarah knew although I had been massaging and rubbing against her back for a while....Sarah asked if I had come or not, and I had to admit that I had. Sarah responded by telling me that I was lucky I had because she was going to tell me to lock it back up as punishment for complaining, that I was lucky to get to rub my cock on her bum....well.....consider my sub button pushed...pressed home completely. Of course I locked back up the next day.
A few days later, I had been especially good (I am not going into details) and Sarah produced the keys again, she told me that she was pleased with me and that I had earned a few days release from the cage, but ONLY for 2 nights after which I was to put it back on however there was not going to be sex because she had her period (well that sucked). Sarah actually went on to say that she is enjoying the control she now has over our sex life and that she is wanting me to keep wearing it....well i asked for it.
I have now been wearing the CB6000 for roughly 4 months with the longest break being a single 2 week break in the middle. A new record for me.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Life goes on
And on.
Update on the proscar, morning erections seem to be resurrecting themselves as the cage is waking me in the mornings sometimes these days. Not nearly as rampant as before but they are definitely there.
At the same time I have decided its time to shed some of the weight I have put on over the last few years and have joined the local gym. its quite amazing how quickly fitness can return and I have managed to loose a whopping 3.5KGs in 3 weeks! which is roughly a kilo per week. I guess thats what running 4Kms per day will do. I have never been obese but my tummy was definitely becoming noticeable to the point where I did need to lean forward to see ones cock...I have also cut down my alcohol consumption to hmmm about 3 glasses of wine per night...
I would really like to move to the number 4 ring on the CB6000 but while I can tolerate it a few days, I actually find that my whimpering night time arousal become painful hardons because the number 4 ring is quite tight even when completely flaccid and so it acts like a cockring making hardons really hard and difficult to get rid of, its not too tight when flaccid though, its comfortable enough as long as one is careful not to allow the skin to bunch or fold onto itself which is quite tough with this small ring. Anyone that has ever worn a chastity belt know that folded skin under the ring, while it does not hurt initially, it can suddenly become REALLY painful, so wearing the smaller ring means a lot more adjustments during the day. The nice thing about the number 4 ring is it is impossible to escape from, no way I could pull out of it, and during the day it is quite comfortable...but night time eeeck, It would be really great if there was a ring in between the 4 and 3 ring, there seems to be a huge difference in size between the 2.
Sarah ha settled into the cage wearing, this time at least she seems to be embracing it, even agreeing I should wear it during her period, I think it has finally dawned on her why and how my sexuality works....and why cage wearing is a good thing for her/us and all concerned. Its kinda scary as well because I am not sure if I want to be wearing a plastic cage for the rest of my life...at the same time I miss it when its not there...how strange....why would anyone wish to wear a plastic sock on their cock....and miss the ability to stroke at will, yet want to not be able to stroke at will....the conundrum still makes no sense and yet cage wearing seems to be ever increasing in popularity.
It has gone beyond kink, although I still wish there was more of that...I wish Sarah would take advantage of my situation more.
Update on the proscar, morning erections seem to be resurrecting themselves as the cage is waking me in the mornings sometimes these days. Not nearly as rampant as before but they are definitely there.
At the same time I have decided its time to shed some of the weight I have put on over the last few years and have joined the local gym. its quite amazing how quickly fitness can return and I have managed to loose a whopping 3.5KGs in 3 weeks! which is roughly a kilo per week. I guess thats what running 4Kms per day will do. I have never been obese but my tummy was definitely becoming noticeable to the point where I did need to lean forward to see ones cock...I have also cut down my alcohol consumption to hmmm about 3 glasses of wine per night...
I would really like to move to the number 4 ring on the CB6000 but while I can tolerate it a few days, I actually find that my whimpering night time arousal become painful hardons because the number 4 ring is quite tight even when completely flaccid and so it acts like a cockring making hardons really hard and difficult to get rid of, its not too tight when flaccid though, its comfortable enough as long as one is careful not to allow the skin to bunch or fold onto itself which is quite tough with this small ring. Anyone that has ever worn a chastity belt know that folded skin under the ring, while it does not hurt initially, it can suddenly become REALLY painful, so wearing the smaller ring means a lot more adjustments during the day. The nice thing about the number 4 ring is it is impossible to escape from, no way I could pull out of it, and during the day it is quite comfortable...but night time eeeck, It would be really great if there was a ring in between the 4 and 3 ring, there seems to be a huge difference in size between the 2.
Sarah ha settled into the cage wearing, this time at least she seems to be embracing it, even agreeing I should wear it during her period, I think it has finally dawned on her why and how my sexuality works....and why cage wearing is a good thing for her/us and all concerned. Its kinda scary as well because I am not sure if I want to be wearing a plastic cage for the rest of my life...at the same time I miss it when its not there...how strange....why would anyone wish to wear a plastic sock on their cock....and miss the ability to stroke at will, yet want to not be able to stroke at will....the conundrum still makes no sense and yet cage wearing seems to be ever increasing in popularity.
It has gone beyond kink, although I still wish there was more of that...I wish Sarah would take advantage of my situation more.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The spark of a dominance
Its hard to write sometime, but a few things have happened recently that leads me to make some comments once again.
Sarah and I had a break from the cage for a little while, but only for a few weeks, Sarah did not actually ask me to start wearing it again but she did not hesitate to participate once I offered. These days she is making sure she hides the keys from me big time.
Sarah has been a bit stressed lately because one of our sons hair is beginning to thin out, for me I do not have much hair left at all these days but it was not really noticeable until my mid 20s, only a mother would have noticed my sons hair but she has had him around to see all sorts of specialists.
The alarming thing is that a few of the doctors are recommending propecia, some are saying he is still two young but others are saying he isn't. Now for the uneducated propecia is actually finasteride which is what I was taking myself a year ago in conjunction with andocure because I had read that it can help reduce libido. Andocure which reduces the amount of overall testosterone I found made me feel old and depressed and in some respects increased my needyness on Sarah, when I decided I could not deal with the side effects I weaned myself off and tried mixing a bit of propecia. The results were quick and devastating. Almost total elimination of sexual function. Very difficult to get an erection, no ejaculate and orgasms just were not worth it....not good...
I am trying to cut this short, after this result I ended up discontinuing both and eventually my system has returned to normal (pretty much) but not after I had done a lot of reading and discovered some real horror stories about propecia/finasteride side effects on its own. So I had some real concerns about giving such a drug to my son for hair loss.
In the end I told Sarah about my previous experience, I decided to tell her everything about what i had done (including basically chemically castrating myself and my reasons), and then proceed to tell her that before I allowed my son to take this drug that I had been taking it (by itself ie not mixed with andocur) this time to see if I suffer any ill effects, I suspected the last time I had taken the propecia the reason I had such a dramatic impact on my sexual function/ability and everything else is because of a interaction between the two drugs.
So now I have been taking propecia for 2-3 weeks.
For the first few weeks it just made me feel a little tired. But alarmingly for the last week I have not had ANY nocturnal erections. For those cage wearers out there, this might be a pretty good deal....grow your hair back and no more nightly wake up calls from the cage. What I am worried about is what comes next. Will it go to the same extent as before? Nocturnal erections are a normal part of every mans life, from my understanding it is what helps to "grow" a penis into reaching its full potential. Now interestingly if I were not wearing a cock cage I would not really KNOW just how many errections one has during the night. Normally I would be woken 4-5 separate occasions during the night. now zero, nothing, not even tight?? Just from propecia, normal dose, nothing stupid....maybe Sarah knowing about the other drug is lacing my food????(she would never do that)
Anyway the point is that I can't allow my son to take this drug knowing what the effect it is having on me? or at the very least I have to explain my experience....right now though if its JUST the loss of night time erections then thats actually good (when your wearing a cage...lol). I will keep taking it longer term to make sure nothing else happens.
hmmmm
Well the title was a spark of dominance....
Last nigh represented the 7th night of no release from the cage.
Sarah told me I was to take off the cage and massage her back, I was to wear a condom but not attempt to have sex, I was allowed to come, in fact she told me to. Then she TOLD me I was to put the cage back on in the morning, not once but made sure I knew by telling me twice. She told me that if I was lucky she might release me again tomorrow night in order to allow me to give her a orgasm but that was subject to her being in the mood. Now of course I have no need for release...so I wish she would let me have the honor of just giving her a orgasm.
Did it feel normal...I always have trouble self gratifying myself using Sarah's body when she is not in the mood , even though rubbing against Sarahs bottom is heaven, the orgasm felt normal I think...maybe not as intense but that could because Sarah was simply releasing me...I will know more when Sarah does actually get in the mood...when that will be I don't know...but I know I am craving giving her a orgasm....She does know that is what I really need....I have told her many times that I do not really need one myself but in order for me to feel complete as a man I need to give her one...., but last night she told I should orgasm for "health" reasons. At least she is thinking of me :)
Sarah and I had a break from the cage for a little while, but only for a few weeks, Sarah did not actually ask me to start wearing it again but she did not hesitate to participate once I offered. These days she is making sure she hides the keys from me big time.
Sarah has been a bit stressed lately because one of our sons hair is beginning to thin out, for me I do not have much hair left at all these days but it was not really noticeable until my mid 20s, only a mother would have noticed my sons hair but she has had him around to see all sorts of specialists.
The alarming thing is that a few of the doctors are recommending propecia, some are saying he is still two young but others are saying he isn't. Now for the uneducated propecia is actually finasteride which is what I was taking myself a year ago in conjunction with andocure because I had read that it can help reduce libido. Andocure which reduces the amount of overall testosterone I found made me feel old and depressed and in some respects increased my needyness on Sarah, when I decided I could not deal with the side effects I weaned myself off and tried mixing a bit of propecia. The results were quick and devastating. Almost total elimination of sexual function. Very difficult to get an erection, no ejaculate and orgasms just were not worth it....not good...
I am trying to cut this short, after this result I ended up discontinuing both and eventually my system has returned to normal (pretty much) but not after I had done a lot of reading and discovered some real horror stories about propecia/finasteride side effects on its own. So I had some real concerns about giving such a drug to my son for hair loss.
In the end I told Sarah about my previous experience, I decided to tell her everything about what i had done (including basically chemically castrating myself and my reasons), and then proceed to tell her that before I allowed my son to take this drug that I had been taking it (by itself ie not mixed with andocur) this time to see if I suffer any ill effects, I suspected the last time I had taken the propecia the reason I had such a dramatic impact on my sexual function/ability and everything else is because of a interaction between the two drugs.
So now I have been taking propecia for 2-3 weeks.
For the first few weeks it just made me feel a little tired. But alarmingly for the last week I have not had ANY nocturnal erections. For those cage wearers out there, this might be a pretty good deal....grow your hair back and no more nightly wake up calls from the cage. What I am worried about is what comes next. Will it go to the same extent as before? Nocturnal erections are a normal part of every mans life, from my understanding it is what helps to "grow" a penis into reaching its full potential. Now interestingly if I were not wearing a cock cage I would not really KNOW just how many errections one has during the night. Normally I would be woken 4-5 separate occasions during the night. now zero, nothing, not even tight?? Just from propecia, normal dose, nothing stupid....maybe Sarah knowing about the other drug is lacing my food????(she would never do that)
Anyway the point is that I can't allow my son to take this drug knowing what the effect it is having on me? or at the very least I have to explain my experience....right now though if its JUST the loss of night time erections then thats actually good (when your wearing a cage...lol). I will keep taking it longer term to make sure nothing else happens.
hmmmm
Well the title was a spark of dominance....
Last nigh represented the 7th night of no release from the cage.
Sarah told me I was to take off the cage and massage her back, I was to wear a condom but not attempt to have sex, I was allowed to come, in fact she told me to. Then she TOLD me I was to put the cage back on in the morning, not once but made sure I knew by telling me twice. She told me that if I was lucky she might release me again tomorrow night in order to allow me to give her a orgasm but that was subject to her being in the mood. Now of course I have no need for release...so I wish she would let me have the honor of just giving her a orgasm.
Did it feel normal...I always have trouble self gratifying myself using Sarah's body when she is not in the mood , even though rubbing against Sarahs bottom is heaven, the orgasm felt normal I think...maybe not as intense but that could because Sarah was simply releasing me...I will know more when Sarah does actually get in the mood...when that will be I don't know...but I know I am craving giving her a orgasm....She does know that is what I really need....I have told her many times that I do not really need one myself but in order for me to feel complete as a man I need to give her one...., but last night she told I should orgasm for "health" reasons. At least she is thinking of me :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I am not sure if
Actually I was just reading thumpers blog on wordpress. I really enjoy the way he writes, and I wish I could write as prolifically and as eloquently as he does. I am not sure if he realises how lucky that he is tough that his wife embraces this dynamic the way that she does. Not only that but he and his spouse actually communicate about this dynamic.
Sarah is not like that, communicating or talking about it just seems to put more pressure on her, which is probably due to the way that it ends up being brought up. I have taken to trying to discuss things retrospectively, after a release so that Sarah does not feel a pressure TOO release if you know what I mean
Fact is that a denied man DOES put a different kind of pressure on your spouse. For Sarah it means that she feels that she should give me a release, and I guess I agree with her....at times.
Yup we are still traveling along the chastity path. This cycle Sarah has released me twice for actual sex....and twice so I could release myself. And I have been well behaved thanks no doubt it part to the low dose of anti depressants I have been talking.
Make no mistake, I think drugs are necessary, I have no doubt that I have/had a sex addiction problem. Most people could not even manage the amount of masturbation I was inflicting upon myself. I have since read that excessive masturbation is a symptom of depression...so I guess I have been depressed for a long time...lol...but I did find that I increased a lot after giving up smoking.
This actually makes some sense in a weird kind of way. If anyone has ever studied Maslows hierarchy of needs then you would know that sex, food, and air.....at least for men sex is right up there on the first level of needs. One of the reasons that nicotine is so very addictive is that it stimulates the same areas of the brain that deal with satisfaction pertaining to these basic needs. One of the things that smoke quitters constanly warn of is replacing the addiction with another one.
Replacing nicotine with excessive masturbation seems harmless of course, its not like its going to give you dick cancer....though I have to admit I have increased my alcohol consumption and with it my belt size has increased somewhat as well. The trouble is with excessive masturbation though is that orgasm begets orgasm, the more you have the more you want, although it never interfered with Sarah because her drive is so much lower than mine, it still becomes a case where each stroke was equivalent to "fuck u then fuck u then". The only problem with these drugs as I said before they seem to make night time erections CHRONIC. I have been wearing this cage now 24/7 (with 12 hr releases but only 2 orgasms per release) for 2 months and the night time wakenings are no more comfortable even after taking the dremel to the forward edge of the cb6000 ring.
The idea that orgasm denial will reduce the importance of orgasm to me is probably valid, though through the last month Sarah has allowed me 2 releases for sex (which have been fucking awesum, and the last two releases have been where she has allowed me to only rub myself on her bottom while wearing a condom whilst I massage her to sleep.
The weird thing is that out of the two its the rubbing myself on her bottom that makes me tingle and fill my cage as I type this....yet the last time she allowed me that release was only 3 days ago and to be honest it left me feeling flat as a tac. I came very quickly and it was intense since it had been nearly a week since the last rub but I wanted Sarah to cum as well.
I explained this to Sarah in the morning, I get the feeling that I am going back to my old tricks and putting pressure on her to perform (as she calls it), but it seems that cumming like that is leaving me with a sense of almost depression especially since I know her period is approaching then I know I won't have the pleasure of getting Sarah off till afterward.
But this is the crux of what I have been trying to get through to Sarah is that I don't even care any more if I cum or not....I know Sarah gets a lot of pleasure out of my massages but i need to GET HER OFF in order to feel satisfied, to make me feel like a man, in order to as I told her to "feel complete"
I am really beginning to feel like getting Sarah off is a gift (ok it is), its something she allows me to do as a reward...but that sounds kind of arse backward doesn't it? I know she enjoys sex once she is aroused.....and I also knows she masturbates roughly the same amount that she allows me to pleasure her ,interesting Sarah likes to pleasure herself during the day after the evening where we have had a good session....any woman readers out there...I like to think this is because like me she likes to relive the night before.....I know enough about a woman to know if Sarah is faking pleasure, there is no mistaking her engorged swollen pussy compared to when it is flat....and its usually when Sarah has a really powerful orgasm hat she chooses to masturbate the next day, and yet I really feel that when she does share her orgasm with me ...that it truly is a gift....this must be a submissive trait, one that is mixed with rebellious feelings of ...I deserve the gift....or she owes me for all those massages....
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She is my princess thats why I keep telling myself.....I do wish these negative feelings would go away though.
Anyway I digress, last night Sarah told me that she was thnking of "being nice" to me tonight and that if I rubbed her back and she wasn't asleep in 5 minutes then she was going to indulge me....I told her that I did not want her to indulge me...that I wanted to indulge HER, anyways....Sarah went silent and seemed to go to sleep while I stayed awake and waited for the 5...then 10...hen 20....then an hour went by where Sarah seemed to toss and turn kind of nearly not asleep but enough to jolt me awake as soon as I was nearly asleep.
I am wondering though I doubt it if it will finally get through to her that I want to give her an orgasm without having one myself...since I am really beginning to hate the flat feeling I feel following a orgasm. last time we had sex Sarah let me go down on her....and omg she tastes so wonderful, I have a feeling that Sarah came without leting me know while I was down there, bu she ended up allowing me to finish off inside of her, but I think she had past her peak because she did no feel quie the same as when I was down there.....
I am hoping that tonight (she did say if not tonight tomorrow night) that she keeps the cage on me while I lick her to orgasm. I am really curious to find out if this allows me the satisfaction more than my own sexual release does.
Sarah is not like that, communicating or talking about it just seems to put more pressure on her, which is probably due to the way that it ends up being brought up. I have taken to trying to discuss things retrospectively, after a release so that Sarah does not feel a pressure TOO release if you know what I mean
Fact is that a denied man DOES put a different kind of pressure on your spouse. For Sarah it means that she feels that she should give me a release, and I guess I agree with her....at times.
Yup we are still traveling along the chastity path. This cycle Sarah has released me twice for actual sex....and twice so I could release myself. And I have been well behaved thanks no doubt it part to the low dose of anti depressants I have been talking.
Make no mistake, I think drugs are necessary, I have no doubt that I have/had a sex addiction problem. Most people could not even manage the amount of masturbation I was inflicting upon myself. I have since read that excessive masturbation is a symptom of depression...so I guess I have been depressed for a long time...lol...but I did find that I increased a lot after giving up smoking.
This actually makes some sense in a weird kind of way. If anyone has ever studied Maslows hierarchy of needs then you would know that sex, food, and air.....at least for men sex is right up there on the first level of needs. One of the reasons that nicotine is so very addictive is that it stimulates the same areas of the brain that deal with satisfaction pertaining to these basic needs. One of the things that smoke quitters constanly warn of is replacing the addiction with another one.
Replacing nicotine with excessive masturbation seems harmless of course, its not like its going to give you dick cancer....though I have to admit I have increased my alcohol consumption and with it my belt size has increased somewhat as well. The trouble is with excessive masturbation though is that orgasm begets orgasm, the more you have the more you want, although it never interfered with Sarah because her drive is so much lower than mine, it still becomes a case where each stroke was equivalent to "fuck u then fuck u then". The only problem with these drugs as I said before they seem to make night time erections CHRONIC. I have been wearing this cage now 24/7 (with 12 hr releases but only 2 orgasms per release) for 2 months and the night time wakenings are no more comfortable even after taking the dremel to the forward edge of the cb6000 ring.
The idea that orgasm denial will reduce the importance of orgasm to me is probably valid, though through the last month Sarah has allowed me 2 releases for sex (which have been fucking awesum, and the last two releases have been where she has allowed me to only rub myself on her bottom while wearing a condom whilst I massage her to sleep.
The weird thing is that out of the two its the rubbing myself on her bottom that makes me tingle and fill my cage as I type this....yet the last time she allowed me that release was only 3 days ago and to be honest it left me feeling flat as a tac. I came very quickly and it was intense since it had been nearly a week since the last rub but I wanted Sarah to cum as well.
I explained this to Sarah in the morning, I get the feeling that I am going back to my old tricks and putting pressure on her to perform (as she calls it), but it seems that cumming like that is leaving me with a sense of almost depression especially since I know her period is approaching then I know I won't have the pleasure of getting Sarah off till afterward.
But this is the crux of what I have been trying to get through to Sarah is that I don't even care any more if I cum or not....I know Sarah gets a lot of pleasure out of my massages but i need to GET HER OFF in order to feel satisfied, to make me feel like a man, in order to as I told her to "feel complete"
I am really beginning to feel like getting Sarah off is a gift (ok it is), its something she allows me to do as a reward...but that sounds kind of arse backward doesn't it? I know she enjoys sex once she is aroused.....and I also knows she masturbates roughly the same amount that she allows me to pleasure her ,interesting Sarah likes to pleasure herself during the day after the evening where we have had a good session....any woman readers out there...I like to think this is because like me she likes to relive the night before.....I know enough about a woman to know if Sarah is faking pleasure, there is no mistaking her engorged swollen pussy compared to when it is flat....and its usually when Sarah has a really powerful orgasm hat she chooses to masturbate the next day, and yet I really feel that when she does share her orgasm with me ...that it truly is a gift....this must be a submissive trait, one that is mixed with rebellious feelings of ...I deserve the gift....or she owes me for all those massages....
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She is my princess thats why I keep telling myself.....I do wish these negative feelings would go away though.
Anyway I digress, last night Sarah told me that she was thnking of "being nice" to me tonight and that if I rubbed her back and she wasn't asleep in 5 minutes then she was going to indulge me....I told her that I did not want her to indulge me...that I wanted to indulge HER, anyways....Sarah went silent and seemed to go to sleep while I stayed awake and waited for the 5...then 10...hen 20....then an hour went by where Sarah seemed to toss and turn kind of nearly not asleep but enough to jolt me awake as soon as I was nearly asleep.
I am wondering though I doubt it if it will finally get through to her that I want to give her an orgasm without having one myself...since I am really beginning to hate the flat feeling I feel following a orgasm. last time we had sex Sarah let me go down on her....and omg she tastes so wonderful, I have a feeling that Sarah came without leting me know while I was down there, bu she ended up allowing me to finish off inside of her, but I think she had past her peak because she did no feel quie the same as when I was down there.....
I am hoping that tonight (she did say if not tonight tomorrow night) that she keeps the cage on me while I lick her to orgasm. I am really curious to find out if this allows me the satisfaction more than my own sexual release does.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A quicky
Just a quick one because I am really too busy to be spending time writing here, but I just became lost in some of the people that commented blogs as well as their links and ended up burning too much time.
Well to cut a long story short, I am still in the cage pretty much 24/7, I even went camping with it locked on and Sarah did not offer to remove it. And on the day before we came home Sarah informed me that she had her period, I could not help but feel a little bit bummed, not at Sarah but the fact I had been already locked for a week, and it meant that it may be at least another week before we could make love.
Although I did not ask, the night we got home, Sarah said amusingly at bed time, you must be about ready to pop...well i could not help but agree and she handed me the keys, i was implied that I was going to have to put a condom on and then I was asked to rub her back, which is fine with me, I really did feel like I was about to pop.
It did not take long for me to get hard, but as I rolled the condom on, the downward pressure through my shaft on my prostate was jus too much for me and I shot my load before I even had a chance to massage Sarah's back....dammit....I made a mental note to myself to give myself a prostate massage after 5 or 6 days so that this hair trigger response might be alleviated. Sarah was Ok because I happily massaged her to sleep, and I happily had a night of the cage with no interruptions to sleep.
I did replace the cage following my shower the next day, and the pressure was spent.
I only spent about 4 days in the cage before Sarah offered me the keys again....and again what ensued was a wonderful night of enjoyable love making.
Its been almost a week now, Sarah does not seem to be in such a good mood this week, bu then I have been slacking a bit in my duties as I have been so busy with my business, and tired as well from working hard and the wake up calls.
I can feel the pressure inside me so I guess I had better give myself a prostate massage soon in case Sarah decides its time. I would hate to be disappointing.
It still working well for us.....
Well to cut a long story short, I am still in the cage pretty much 24/7, I even went camping with it locked on and Sarah did not offer to remove it. And on the day before we came home Sarah informed me that she had her period, I could not help but feel a little bit bummed, not at Sarah but the fact I had been already locked for a week, and it meant that it may be at least another week before we could make love.
Although I did not ask, the night we got home, Sarah said amusingly at bed time, you must be about ready to pop...well i could not help but agree and she handed me the keys, i was implied that I was going to have to put a condom on and then I was asked to rub her back, which is fine with me, I really did feel like I was about to pop.
It did not take long for me to get hard, but as I rolled the condom on, the downward pressure through my shaft on my prostate was jus too much for me and I shot my load before I even had a chance to massage Sarah's back....dammit....I made a mental note to myself to give myself a prostate massage after 5 or 6 days so that this hair trigger response might be alleviated. Sarah was Ok because I happily massaged her to sleep, and I happily had a night of the cage with no interruptions to sleep.
I did replace the cage following my shower the next day, and the pressure was spent.
I only spent about 4 days in the cage before Sarah offered me the keys again....and again what ensued was a wonderful night of enjoyable love making.
Its been almost a week now, Sarah does not seem to be in such a good mood this week, bu then I have been slacking a bit in my duties as I have been so busy with my business, and tired as well from working hard and the wake up calls.
I can feel the pressure inside me so I guess I had better give myself a prostate massage soon in case Sarah decides its time. I would hate to be disappointing.
It still working well for us.....
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Here we go again
How long since my last post? 3 weeks :)
Thank you so much for your comments, and thanks for not being negative.
Well all I can say is that Sarah was not joking about the cage play, and so far its kinda nice to be back in the saddle so to speak.
About 5 months ago I went to see a councilor regarding my stress levels, actually the main motivation at the time was to document the fact that I was suffering with stress if I was to make a claim on my previous employee, but as it turned out it was beneficial for other reasons. The first and foremost was that of course I actually really was suffering from stress and was borderline depression. My body was beginning to hurt from tensed up muscles and I was beginning to have trouble sleeping.
So she prescribed me a weak anti depressant, I forget what they are called, but she prescribed me 5 months of them...I was not too keen on anything that relates to cerebral function but she assured me that they would be fine and would help me sleep so long as I took them before bed.
So I took one that night and I woke feeling a little sleepy, but WOW!!! my sore muscles and pains had gone, magic pill, so I did no take any more.....more on this later
One of the other things we spoke about is Sarah, and after a few minutes of discussion my councilor simply said...."I will sorry for you....she is a passive aggressive" , wtf....so she went on to describe passive aggressive behavior to me...and...soooo many green lights went on in my head...but then I asked her....so Ok how do you best deal with a passive aggressive person....she says...."well you don't"...well I was thinking that sure helps doesn't it.....but it actually does because it helps you to understand why someone does what they do.
Anyways I digress..I might cover passive aggressive behavior another time
Fast forward to now, 3 weeks from my last post, well I still have 2 fully functioning orbs between my legs, but the truth is they have not been able to do much.
I have been pretty much wearing the cage 24/7 for 3 weeks and so far I have been pretty good. I read on a another forum that SSRI inhibitors (aka anti depressants) can also have a libido reduction effect, but the ones that my doctor prescribed me are the only ones that are not meant to have any impact on sex drive (but they are in the same family) and in fact can in some cases enhance it because people who are stressed do not feel like sex. So I decided to see if just taking half a pill a day would have any impact on my libido as compared to my ability to have sex.
The answer is yes it does have a impact on my libido, or rather it seems to have given me a greater level of control over my sex drive. When we were coming up for my first release after I had been locked up for a week, by that time normally I would be climbing the walls...hey I knew I was "full" but when Sarah asked me if it would be ok if we waited till the next night I had absolutely no problem.
Unfortunately there is no effect on nocturnal hardons and indeed the increase in serotonin from the SSRI seems to contribute to dreaming and if anything increases them. For the novice user this would probably be a problem but at least now I have developed a method getting rid of my hardon quickly enough so that it does not impact my sleep too much. But they are relentless.
I do feel so much more at ease with my sex drive though and apart from it being a bit hard to wake up in the morning I don't see any other side effects so far. It has occurred to me that if this is the case then perhaps I have no further need for the cage and in fact the kink aspect of it has dissipated somewhat after all I have been using it for nearly 3 years off and on (so to speak), I am inclined to persist even if it is because it means that Sarah HAS to give it some mind share...which is the part that she does not like.
But this time I am being very well behaved, and for the moment Sarah is encouraging me to continue being caged by religiously hiding the key following a release.
In fact the weekend just gone, Sarah said to me on friday night that she would be letting me out of the cage ...soon...even though I had made no mention of it, but I did begin to expect it on Saturday night...then when Saturday night came and she told me that she has "better" let me out ...and I returned, no you don't have to until you want to, but ...if she liked she could let me out while I gave her a nice backrub while wearing a condom (aka intercourse being optional but I would empty myself because I WAS full, Sarah knows I can easily orgasm while giving her a backrub with no actual penetration) and I promised to put the cage straight back on the next day....to which I was presented with the keys on the understanding that Sarah was intending to sleep...and I was to put it back on in the morning regardless of what happened that night.
So I began, you can't imagine until you have been caged for more than a week the sensations even through a condom that you feel when it is rubbed up against the soft flesh of the one that you love, brushing up against her fantastic rear. I kid you not I had a hard time not blowing my load in the first 30 seconds of release....yet I did not want it to finish so quickly and I was still a bit hopeful that Sarah might change her mind especially after she commented that she had woken up a bit, I needed to know if I was allowed to let go so she cold go to sleep or if I should hold on to it in case Sarah wanted to make love, Sarah answered by lifting her leg and allowing me to rub my engorged cock from behind over the top of her soft swollen and now wet pussy. Now I know when Sarah is aroused, because as any sensitive man knows there is a stark contrast between a pussy that is flat and a pussy that is pumped up and engorged, but she would not put me "in", I was determined not to direct myself in and it seemed for a long time that Sarah was intent on teasing the living crap out of me by only allowing me to stay on the outside. That said I was on the edge of orgasm as it was and I was loving every instant of it but I was beginning to wonder if I was going to be allowed in at all.
Then I actually started feeling comfortable with that thought in that I was just happy that it seemed Sarah was really enjoying herself, however when I did feel her climbing closer I backed off a little just to extend it, then I began to wonder if I was doing this for me or for her because obviously once Sarah came I was not going to be welcomed in (Sarah would not stop me if I wanted to but the whole point of this is not to do the penetration thing unless I was invited), in the end I decided that I would try and bring Sarah to her climax and then if necessary I would finish myself with my had rather than penetrate her, but it was with I must say some relief then Sarah did eventually guide me into her warm interior where she promptly came as did I and I must say the intensity of it left me with the feeling of a need for a crowbar to uncurl my toes!!
In the morning I did submit to one self indulgent rigorous cleaning to ensure I was suitably cleaned out and to relive the night before. When I checked Sarah had put the keys away in safe keeping and we know what that means. I was tempted to leave it off for another night because I wanted to sleep through the night again, alas came the evening I felt that I could not trust myself and before I knew it I had locked it back on and once more I am in Sarah's hands.
I don't know where this is going but then who does. I read a interesting note from digger the other day, it was so well articulated, there are so many people who write for better than I do. But he did articulate why that cage play will probably never work in some relationships. I agree wholeheartedly with what he said, yet strangely although Sarah is NEVER going to be a femdom wielding strapon goddess dressed in leather, this however does seem to have some level of workability for us right now.
I do know though that if I screw up this time its over for good. And Sarah is just as likely to wake up tomorrow and for no reason tell me to throw it out for good.
anyways I no longer get paid for writing here so I had better go do some work...
Thank you so much for your comments, and thanks for not being negative.
Well all I can say is that Sarah was not joking about the cage play, and so far its kinda nice to be back in the saddle so to speak.
About 5 months ago I went to see a councilor regarding my stress levels, actually the main motivation at the time was to document the fact that I was suffering with stress if I was to make a claim on my previous employee, but as it turned out it was beneficial for other reasons. The first and foremost was that of course I actually really was suffering from stress and was borderline depression. My body was beginning to hurt from tensed up muscles and I was beginning to have trouble sleeping.
So she prescribed me a weak anti depressant, I forget what they are called, but she prescribed me 5 months of them...I was not too keen on anything that relates to cerebral function but she assured me that they would be fine and would help me sleep so long as I took them before bed.
So I took one that night and I woke feeling a little sleepy, but WOW!!! my sore muscles and pains had gone, magic pill, so I did no take any more.....more on this later
One of the other things we spoke about is Sarah, and after a few minutes of discussion my councilor simply said...."I will sorry for you....she is a passive aggressive" , wtf....so she went on to describe passive aggressive behavior to me...and...soooo many green lights went on in my head...but then I asked her....so Ok how do you best deal with a passive aggressive person....she says...."well you don't"...well I was thinking that sure helps doesn't it.....but it actually does because it helps you to understand why someone does what they do.
Anyways I digress..I might cover passive aggressive behavior another time
Fast forward to now, 3 weeks from my last post, well I still have 2 fully functioning orbs between my legs, but the truth is they have not been able to do much.
I have been pretty much wearing the cage 24/7 for 3 weeks and so far I have been pretty good. I read on a another forum that SSRI inhibitors (aka anti depressants) can also have a libido reduction effect, but the ones that my doctor prescribed me are the only ones that are not meant to have any impact on sex drive (but they are in the same family) and in fact can in some cases enhance it because people who are stressed do not feel like sex. So I decided to see if just taking half a pill a day would have any impact on my libido as compared to my ability to have sex.
The answer is yes it does have a impact on my libido, or rather it seems to have given me a greater level of control over my sex drive. When we were coming up for my first release after I had been locked up for a week, by that time normally I would be climbing the walls...hey I knew I was "full" but when Sarah asked me if it would be ok if we waited till the next night I had absolutely no problem.
Unfortunately there is no effect on nocturnal hardons and indeed the increase in serotonin from the SSRI seems to contribute to dreaming and if anything increases them. For the novice user this would probably be a problem but at least now I have developed a method getting rid of my hardon quickly enough so that it does not impact my sleep too much. But they are relentless.
I do feel so much more at ease with my sex drive though and apart from it being a bit hard to wake up in the morning I don't see any other side effects so far. It has occurred to me that if this is the case then perhaps I have no further need for the cage and in fact the kink aspect of it has dissipated somewhat after all I have been using it for nearly 3 years off and on (so to speak), I am inclined to persist even if it is because it means that Sarah HAS to give it some mind share...which is the part that she does not like.
But this time I am being very well behaved, and for the moment Sarah is encouraging me to continue being caged by religiously hiding the key following a release.
In fact the weekend just gone, Sarah said to me on friday night that she would be letting me out of the cage ...soon...even though I had made no mention of it, but I did begin to expect it on Saturday night...then when Saturday night came and she told me that she has "better" let me out ...and I returned, no you don't have to until you want to, but ...if she liked she could let me out while I gave her a nice backrub while wearing a condom (aka intercourse being optional but I would empty myself because I WAS full, Sarah knows I can easily orgasm while giving her a backrub with no actual penetration) and I promised to put the cage straight back on the next day....to which I was presented with the keys on the understanding that Sarah was intending to sleep...and I was to put it back on in the morning regardless of what happened that night.
So I began, you can't imagine until you have been caged for more than a week the sensations even through a condom that you feel when it is rubbed up against the soft flesh of the one that you love, brushing up against her fantastic rear. I kid you not I had a hard time not blowing my load in the first 30 seconds of release....yet I did not want it to finish so quickly and I was still a bit hopeful that Sarah might change her mind especially after she commented that she had woken up a bit, I needed to know if I was allowed to let go so she cold go to sleep or if I should hold on to it in case Sarah wanted to make love, Sarah answered by lifting her leg and allowing me to rub my engorged cock from behind over the top of her soft swollen and now wet pussy. Now I know when Sarah is aroused, because as any sensitive man knows there is a stark contrast between a pussy that is flat and a pussy that is pumped up and engorged, but she would not put me "in", I was determined not to direct myself in and it seemed for a long time that Sarah was intent on teasing the living crap out of me by only allowing me to stay on the outside. That said I was on the edge of orgasm as it was and I was loving every instant of it but I was beginning to wonder if I was going to be allowed in at all.
Then I actually started feeling comfortable with that thought in that I was just happy that it seemed Sarah was really enjoying herself, however when I did feel her climbing closer I backed off a little just to extend it, then I began to wonder if I was doing this for me or for her because obviously once Sarah came I was not going to be welcomed in (Sarah would not stop me if I wanted to but the whole point of this is not to do the penetration thing unless I was invited), in the end I decided that I would try and bring Sarah to her climax and then if necessary I would finish myself with my had rather than penetrate her, but it was with I must say some relief then Sarah did eventually guide me into her warm interior where she promptly came as did I and I must say the intensity of it left me with the feeling of a need for a crowbar to uncurl my toes!!
In the morning I did submit to one self indulgent rigorous cleaning to ensure I was suitably cleaned out and to relive the night before. When I checked Sarah had put the keys away in safe keeping and we know what that means. I was tempted to leave it off for another night because I wanted to sleep through the night again, alas came the evening I felt that I could not trust myself and before I knew it I had locked it back on and once more I am in Sarah's hands.
I don't know where this is going but then who does. I read a interesting note from digger the other day, it was so well articulated, there are so many people who write for better than I do. But he did articulate why that cage play will probably never work in some relationships. I agree wholeheartedly with what he said, yet strangely although Sarah is NEVER going to be a femdom wielding strapon goddess dressed in leather, this however does seem to have some level of workability for us right now.
I do know though that if I screw up this time its over for good. And Sarah is just as likely to wake up tomorrow and for no reason tell me to throw it out for good.
anyways I no longer get paid for writing here so I had better go do some work...
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Vent time
Twice in 2 weeks after so long....
Well Sarah and I had a pretty hurtful discussion the other night....and I thought I would put it down here...lucky I don't get any comments because I am pretty sure you would just tell me I am mad, and I know that already so if thats all you have to say then don't bother.
I try not (and for the most part succeed) to bother Sarah for sex for at least a weekly time out, but once the week is up its like a timer goes off in my head and after that time I am pretty relentless until she gives in. The funny thing is when she does decide to "try" for the most part once she gets into it she enjoys it, but for her the effort is not worth the end, and so she keeps reminding me that she only really has sex for me....
Anyway over the weekend we had some friends over and yes I probably drank too much so I probably was not the most desirable person on the block, but yes I had a tantrum because I was turned down for the 3rd straight night (making it night 10 or so), I think I probably said something about seeing a professional...or something else nasty before I stalked out and headed down to the couch. I am never violent, I can sometimes crap on about how hardly done by I am or threaten to have sex with someone else but after that I will head off to seclusion rather than stand and fight to the death...still its damaging and I know it, and it doesn't help...just can't help it.
Anyway the next night Sarah, our anger had dissipated somewhat (I had apologized for my behavior in the morning), and I felt well enough and....I could not really help myself by asking as I gave her a hug, "I am not sure what your going to do with me" and Sarah kind of caught me off guard by saying, "Castration comes to mind....actually I have been thinking about that a lot lately"......now in a negative reality inversion kind of way that kind of excited me...and as you probably guessed from my dablings in chemical reduction in libido(and I did reach castration levels anyway) actual castration had crossed my mind as well....and so I told her that castration had crossed my mind as well as I am sick of my sex drive...she then says "why don't you look into it then?" All this time my hard cock in cased in a condom is rubbing up and down....I said, "u would really actually want me to do that would u"....."oh yes I would".....
hmmmm
Remembering a lot of what Sarah says at any given time is whatever happens to be going on in her head at the present. I know if I was actually serious about cutting my balls off she would never allow me to do it.... I did say though that I did not blame her for wanting to cut them off sometimes...she said well they have caused a lot of trouble through our marriage...the sad thing is I know its true......but actual physical castration while might be ok to kind of joke about...even semi serious like...it not practically possible for a variety of health reasons...I would never do it, nor would Sarah actually really mean it....other then in principle....I then said" but what would you do when you did want sex" ...she said that she never does, I said but that isn't true because I know you do it yourself sometimes....
Sarah vehemently denied this as she always does...which I know is a lie...I know without a shadow of a doubt because I put little pen dots on her dong...damm I even know how deep she puts it in...actually I don't look any more because I found that I would rather not know when she does, while its good masturbation material (ie the thought of it) the fact that she does and lets me have sex so infrequently I found really pissed me off...so I don't really want to know how often any more..and it was never very often...about as often as we had sex....but I can't help checking occasionally....I did not challenger her then regarding this fib.
Anyway I said to her "in the mean time you will just have to put up with me"....."and why do u think I was so persistent with the cage, because eventually me not being able to use it I have read will help me loose it" as in some of my sex drive. I went on to say that it was up to her to "train me to go without, and that it was Ok to let me out sometimes as a reward but just to let me do i myself we did not HAVE to have sex every time she let me out".....Sarah said "why don't u go and put it on right now then".....that figures I guess she was still pissed at me alright...she also said...."but after I week I feel like I should let you out for sex so whats the point and I don't EVER feel like letting you out. In fact I have not felt like having sex since before I had children!!...I just do it for you"....
well I did not like the way this conversation was going now...and that reallly hurt.....and things just went quiet....and even my cock was not all that interested any more....before sarah said ....basically, and because of last night you are only allowed to rub on me tonight...(meaning no penetration).....and so not completely pissed off with me....so I asked her is i was allowed to come....she said only after I massaged her to sleep...
But then the trouble is as I rubbed her back...what she had said about not ever wanting sex since before our kids really started to shit me....especially since I know she uses her dong from time to time....the more i thought about it the more I got wound up to the point where I felt I had to say something to let her know I knew she was lying. But at the same time I did not want to wake her because that would be a fate worse than death... I could not keep rubbing her back because I was just too wound up about it, I felt like I was going to explode so as I moved away she actually said something, which i did not hear, so I asked her to repeat, I can't remember what it was but I then took the opportunity and stated that I knew she still had that dong in her wardrobe and where it is and that I also knew she used it from time to time and that she was a fibber.
Well she did not have much to say to that, and we still have not really spoken since. I probably deserve a telling off because its a invasion of personal space but nor should she blatantly lie to me about having zero sex drive. The only interpretation I can make is that....she has not felt like having sex WITH ME since before our kids....which scaths and burns like a hot knife...but she does know I know, I don't know if thats a good thing or not...maybe she will make more of a effort, but more than likely she will work out some self justification and never say another word about it. She never even asked how I knew, probably frightened that my answer would be un arguable,well she is right there. But guilting someone into sex NEVER works....so I feel like I am a idiot...because I guess that is what I was trying to do. I guess I feel like I only have 10 years of good sexual function left...and I just feel time racing by so fast...I feel trapped...yet I love Sarah...I love her too much to let her go over sex, but lack of it makes things very unhappy, for the both of us....I still wish I could just switch it off.
Next morning I was tempted to throw the packet of androcur on the bed in the morning as say "look I have tried castration already....SEE AT LEAST I HAVE TRIED!!!" but I didn't....I doubt she would call me crazy, she would probably understand my motivation, maybe even applaud the attempt, but in the end it would just add to her guilt...it was not workable and my body is almost back to normal so what sthe point in telling her other than to score a point. If she DID bring it up again I may be tempted to tell her...but only in a way that did not make her feel guilty.
I must admit I have been terribly depressed since this exchange though, i feel like our marriage may as well be over, and its all over sex...well and intimacy.
I am thinking I need to take myself off to see a sex councilor or something, one to get control of myself...maybe Sarah needs to go...but she never would.
I don't even know if I am being unreasonable ...I am a nice person generally....kinky and horny yes but...I do all the right things. I never rip people off, I love animals and will even catch a spider and throw it out into the wild rather than kill it. I give Sarah back massages most nights and make her coffees in the morning, bring her hot chocolates at night. I work hard, I clean up the kitchen, cook dinner at least 1-2 sometimes 3 nights per week I am only a little bit over weight and I know I am not ugly....so is asking for sex once a week too much (3 times per month)? Sarah is not really into restaurants and I get in trouble for flowers, does not like chocolates, or weekends away (not that we could)....
what a ramble this post is...
I wonder if she will do the cage training though. Funny thing at the moment though is my sex drive really is in overdrive...I wear the cage during the day and I can generally back myself off to one orgasm per day but I find I reallllly need that one, I am not sure how I would go if Sarah really did mange my orgasms.
I somehow doubt it .....the problem is that when sarah does manage my key for me....its like I become so focused on her, but nothing changes for her, she just ignores me like normal...so wearing the cage becomes unbearable...the chatter in my mind after a few days convinces me that there is no point to this exercise because it really only causes me to suffer orgasm withdrawal and it is of no benefit to Sarah anyway...so I may as well just flog myself off to my hearts content. If Sarah could only show some extra attention during cage time I actually think it could work...I could be trained to go without for long periods....even a good flogging would be a good sex substitute, but Sarah is not interested in substitutes, any extra work involved for her is not worth doing....even if SHE gets lots of benefits in the form of LONG massages etc.
Maybe she would be interested in this devious device:
http://dreamloverlabs.com/products.php
It delivers a variety of shocks to electrodes placed inside of a CB device via remote control.
Well Sarah and I had a pretty hurtful discussion the other night....and I thought I would put it down here...lucky I don't get any comments because I am pretty sure you would just tell me I am mad, and I know that already so if thats all you have to say then don't bother.
I try not (and for the most part succeed) to bother Sarah for sex for at least a weekly time out, but once the week is up its like a timer goes off in my head and after that time I am pretty relentless until she gives in. The funny thing is when she does decide to "try" for the most part once she gets into it she enjoys it, but for her the effort is not worth the end, and so she keeps reminding me that she only really has sex for me....
Anyway over the weekend we had some friends over and yes I probably drank too much so I probably was not the most desirable person on the block, but yes I had a tantrum because I was turned down for the 3rd straight night (making it night 10 or so), I think I probably said something about seeing a professional...or something else nasty before I stalked out and headed down to the couch. I am never violent, I can sometimes crap on about how hardly done by I am or threaten to have sex with someone else but after that I will head off to seclusion rather than stand and fight to the death...still its damaging and I know it, and it doesn't help...just can't help it.
Anyway the next night Sarah, our anger had dissipated somewhat (I had apologized for my behavior in the morning), and I felt well enough and....I could not really help myself by asking as I gave her a hug, "I am not sure what your going to do with me" and Sarah kind of caught me off guard by saying, "Castration comes to mind....actually I have been thinking about that a lot lately"......now in a negative reality inversion kind of way that kind of excited me...and as you probably guessed from my dablings in chemical reduction in libido(and I did reach castration levels anyway) actual castration had crossed my mind as well....and so I told her that castration had crossed my mind as well as I am sick of my sex drive...she then says "why don't you look into it then?" All this time my hard cock in cased in a condom is rubbing up and down....I said, "u would really actually want me to do that would u"....."oh yes I would".....
hmmmm
Remembering a lot of what Sarah says at any given time is whatever happens to be going on in her head at the present. I know if I was actually serious about cutting my balls off she would never allow me to do it.... I did say though that I did not blame her for wanting to cut them off sometimes...she said well they have caused a lot of trouble through our marriage...the sad thing is I know its true......but actual physical castration while might be ok to kind of joke about...even semi serious like...it not practically possible for a variety of health reasons...I would never do it, nor would Sarah actually really mean it....other then in principle....I then said" but what would you do when you did want sex" ...she said that she never does, I said but that isn't true because I know you do it yourself sometimes....
Sarah vehemently denied this as she always does...which I know is a lie...I know without a shadow of a doubt because I put little pen dots on her dong...damm I even know how deep she puts it in...actually I don't look any more because I found that I would rather not know when she does, while its good masturbation material (ie the thought of it) the fact that she does and lets me have sex so infrequently I found really pissed me off...so I don't really want to know how often any more..and it was never very often...about as often as we had sex....but I can't help checking occasionally....I did not challenger her then regarding this fib.
Anyway I said to her "in the mean time you will just have to put up with me"....."and why do u think I was so persistent with the cage, because eventually me not being able to use it I have read will help me loose it" as in some of my sex drive. I went on to say that it was up to her to "train me to go without, and that it was Ok to let me out sometimes as a reward but just to let me do i myself we did not HAVE to have sex every time she let me out".....Sarah said "why don't u go and put it on right now then".....that figures I guess she was still pissed at me alright...she also said...."but after I week I feel like I should let you out for sex so whats the point and I don't EVER feel like letting you out. In fact I have not felt like having sex since before I had children!!...I just do it for you"....
well I did not like the way this conversation was going now...and that reallly hurt.....and things just went quiet....and even my cock was not all that interested any more....before sarah said ....basically, and because of last night you are only allowed to rub on me tonight...(meaning no penetration).....and so not completely pissed off with me....so I asked her is i was allowed to come....she said only after I massaged her to sleep...
But then the trouble is as I rubbed her back...what she had said about not ever wanting sex since before our kids really started to shit me....especially since I know she uses her dong from time to time....the more i thought about it the more I got wound up to the point where I felt I had to say something to let her know I knew she was lying. But at the same time I did not want to wake her because that would be a fate worse than death... I could not keep rubbing her back because I was just too wound up about it, I felt like I was going to explode so as I moved away she actually said something, which i did not hear, so I asked her to repeat, I can't remember what it was but I then took the opportunity and stated that I knew she still had that dong in her wardrobe and where it is and that I also knew she used it from time to time and that she was a fibber.
Well she did not have much to say to that, and we still have not really spoken since. I probably deserve a telling off because its a invasion of personal space but nor should she blatantly lie to me about having zero sex drive. The only interpretation I can make is that....she has not felt like having sex WITH ME since before our kids....which scaths and burns like a hot knife...but she does know I know, I don't know if thats a good thing or not...maybe she will make more of a effort, but more than likely she will work out some self justification and never say another word about it. She never even asked how I knew, probably frightened that my answer would be un arguable,well she is right there. But guilting someone into sex NEVER works....so I feel like I am a idiot...because I guess that is what I was trying to do. I guess I feel like I only have 10 years of good sexual function left...and I just feel time racing by so fast...I feel trapped...yet I love Sarah...I love her too much to let her go over sex, but lack of it makes things very unhappy, for the both of us....I still wish I could just switch it off.
Next morning I was tempted to throw the packet of androcur on the bed in the morning as say "look I have tried castration already....SEE AT LEAST I HAVE TRIED!!!" but I didn't....I doubt she would call me crazy, she would probably understand my motivation, maybe even applaud the attempt, but in the end it would just add to her guilt...it was not workable and my body is almost back to normal so what sthe point in telling her other than to score a point. If she DID bring it up again I may be tempted to tell her...but only in a way that did not make her feel guilty.
I must admit I have been terribly depressed since this exchange though, i feel like our marriage may as well be over, and its all over sex...well and intimacy.
I am thinking I need to take myself off to see a sex councilor or something, one to get control of myself...maybe Sarah needs to go...but she never would.
I don't even know if I am being unreasonable ...I am a nice person generally....kinky and horny yes but...I do all the right things. I never rip people off, I love animals and will even catch a spider and throw it out into the wild rather than kill it. I give Sarah back massages most nights and make her coffees in the morning, bring her hot chocolates at night. I work hard, I clean up the kitchen, cook dinner at least 1-2 sometimes 3 nights per week I am only a little bit over weight and I know I am not ugly....so is asking for sex once a week too much (3 times per month)? Sarah is not really into restaurants and I get in trouble for flowers, does not like chocolates, or weekends away (not that we could)....
what a ramble this post is...
I wonder if she will do the cage training though. Funny thing at the moment though is my sex drive really is in overdrive...I wear the cage during the day and I can generally back myself off to one orgasm per day but I find I reallllly need that one, I am not sure how I would go if Sarah really did mange my orgasms.
I somehow doubt it .....the problem is that when sarah does manage my key for me....its like I become so focused on her, but nothing changes for her, she just ignores me like normal...so wearing the cage becomes unbearable...the chatter in my mind after a few days convinces me that there is no point to this exercise because it really only causes me to suffer orgasm withdrawal and it is of no benefit to Sarah anyway...so I may as well just flog myself off to my hearts content. If Sarah could only show some extra attention during cage time I actually think it could work...I could be trained to go without for long periods....even a good flogging would be a good sex substitute, but Sarah is not interested in substitutes, any extra work involved for her is not worth doing....even if SHE gets lots of benefits in the form of LONG massages etc.
Maybe she would be interested in this devious device:
http://dreamloverlabs.com/products.php
It delivers a variety of shocks to electrodes placed inside of a CB device via remote control.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I am still here
I just have not had time to post anything. Not that there is much to post about.
I am still one totally fucked up sexual human being.
Time goes too fast, in the last 4 months I have lost my job, thankfully the business I was running on the side has kept me out of trouble for now but things are getting quiet now. being self employed has its perks....like not having a boss but I have ended up working a LOT harder for not a lot of money. So i have been really to busy to post on here, plus from a kink perspective there really isn't any
Anyways on the home front all is well. Sarah is completely off the cage play, but it seems as though from a female led perspective we seems to be falling into a natural rhythm. I treat her like a princess and she orders me around....most of the time. Occasionally I will be a bit cheeky, but thats her fault because she lets me get away with it.
One of my favorite activities is rubbing her back in the mornings while I have a massive woody. although I am not permitted penetration in the mornings, nor am I allowed to give her a climax in any other way, what she does love is back massages, and whats even better is she will allow me to rub have my wicked way with her soft bottom, so long as I don't try and put it in any holes. I will then ask her if I am allowed to "let it go" and Sarah will either tell me to save it or "let it go", this is normally after about 30 minutes of intimate back rubbing, and letting me stay on edge. Strangely I do not find this frustrating, just adds to the pleasure of giving the back rub. It seems to work for us, and its a soft form of orgasm denial I guess...or thats what I tell myself. I still fantasize constantly about her taking control of my privates, denying me orgasm and using me for her own pleasure only...oh and discipline as well...but alas thats not realistic. One thing Sarah actually woke for sex one night which is the first time in years and I actually had the privilege of eating her...omg its been so long I had forgotten how good she tastes, I was tempted to lick her to orgasm and not have one myself but she has told me before she prefers to cum with me inside her....but ohhh that memory has been replayed many many times....I have a vivid memory and I will never wear the memory of that night out!!
I still have a significant sex drive problem though, and when I say significant I mean it. I have tried to find a definition of a orgasm addict, or sex addiction..bla bla, but apart from some claims that over masturbation can kill you I have found nothing that says its harmful so long as it does not interfere with your relationship or everyday life then its ok....and it really doesn't, I just like to wank....a lot. But to give u an idea, for one reason or another I had a day in bed recently suffering from a bit of a hangover and I think I managed about 14 orgasms before I decided enough was enough and got out of bed at lunch time....yup 14...and everyone of them was good.
So alas even though Sarah is not into the cage any more I actually wear it during the day of my own volition. I work by myself most of the time and ...well if it were not for the cage temptation and the net and porn would get the better of me, and I would waste too much time. I must admit though I have tried to pick the lock a few times.....and once on a 3 or four day lock down of my own volition I managed to shake it to a piss poor disappointing squirt, which just served to tell me whats the point?
I do wish there was a way though of tempering this drive I have, it does occupy too much of my mind. I am even tempted but not realistically so these days of paying a professional domme just to find out what its like to be taken with a strappon.
I don't really want to do the anti libido stuff again but I am tempted to see if something can be done about my over active libido. I asked my doctor about it and he said nope...I did not admit to my frequency of masturbation...or other kink ideas, I doubt he would believe me. All he said was for people your age having sex 2-3 times a month is normal….well fuck that….I would like it twice in the morning and 3 times at night time….and at lunch time as well…not realistic but hey dreams are free
Not really a good match with Sarah who would probably be happy at zero….no I think once per month is about her desire…I have to really press for my 3 times per month which I am really not happy about, but I have managed to get to the point where I really only ask for actual sex once per week and apart from the occasional childish tantrum if she says no I am in reasonable unhappy control.
Bla anyway told u there is not much to say, no budding femdom. I actually leave the keys to my cock cage on my bedside table every day, making sure they move about everyday in case Sarah has a change of heart as she does know I wear it sometimes even though she does not really approve, well its not that, she said she does not want me suffering…..aka does not want to feel like she owes me anything….actually, that is my fault I know….fact is I am a orgasm addict and not cut out for long term orgasm denial…anyway it’s a good fantasy to hold on to, alas the keys are always still there when I get home, but truth be known I don’t know what I would do with they weren’t, I am not sleeping with it on these days so if she did take it it would be a interesting shock. What I AM doing is trying to train myself to get used to having fewer orgasms….but its not the same as giving up smoking….cold turkey does not work.
Try and write again if anything interesting does happen….
I am still one totally fucked up sexual human being.
Time goes too fast, in the last 4 months I have lost my job, thankfully the business I was running on the side has kept me out of trouble for now but things are getting quiet now. being self employed has its perks....like not having a boss but I have ended up working a LOT harder for not a lot of money. So i have been really to busy to post on here, plus from a kink perspective there really isn't any
Anyways on the home front all is well. Sarah is completely off the cage play, but it seems as though from a female led perspective we seems to be falling into a natural rhythm. I treat her like a princess and she orders me around....most of the time. Occasionally I will be a bit cheeky, but thats her fault because she lets me get away with it.
One of my favorite activities is rubbing her back in the mornings while I have a massive woody. although I am not permitted penetration in the mornings, nor am I allowed to give her a climax in any other way, what she does love is back massages, and whats even better is she will allow me to rub have my wicked way with her soft bottom, so long as I don't try and put it in any holes. I will then ask her if I am allowed to "let it go" and Sarah will either tell me to save it or "let it go", this is normally after about 30 minutes of intimate back rubbing, and letting me stay on edge. Strangely I do not find this frustrating, just adds to the pleasure of giving the back rub. It seems to work for us, and its a soft form of orgasm denial I guess...or thats what I tell myself. I still fantasize constantly about her taking control of my privates, denying me orgasm and using me for her own pleasure only...oh and discipline as well...but alas thats not realistic. One thing Sarah actually woke for sex one night which is the first time in years and I actually had the privilege of eating her...omg its been so long I had forgotten how good she tastes, I was tempted to lick her to orgasm and not have one myself but she has told me before she prefers to cum with me inside her....but ohhh that memory has been replayed many many times....I have a vivid memory and I will never wear the memory of that night out!!
I still have a significant sex drive problem though, and when I say significant I mean it. I have tried to find a definition of a orgasm addict, or sex addiction..bla bla, but apart from some claims that over masturbation can kill you I have found nothing that says its harmful so long as it does not interfere with your relationship or everyday life then its ok....and it really doesn't, I just like to wank....a lot. But to give u an idea, for one reason or another I had a day in bed recently suffering from a bit of a hangover and I think I managed about 14 orgasms before I decided enough was enough and got out of bed at lunch time....yup 14...and everyone of them was good.
So alas even though Sarah is not into the cage any more I actually wear it during the day of my own volition. I work by myself most of the time and ...well if it were not for the cage temptation and the net and porn would get the better of me, and I would waste too much time. I must admit though I have tried to pick the lock a few times.....and once on a 3 or four day lock down of my own volition I managed to shake it to a piss poor disappointing squirt, which just served to tell me whats the point?
I do wish there was a way though of tempering this drive I have, it does occupy too much of my mind. I am even tempted but not realistically so these days of paying a professional domme just to find out what its like to be taken with a strappon.
I don't really want to do the anti libido stuff again but I am tempted to see if something can be done about my over active libido. I asked my doctor about it and he said nope...I did not admit to my frequency of masturbation...or other kink ideas, I doubt he would believe me. All he said was for people your age having sex 2-3 times a month is normal….well fuck that….I would like it twice in the morning and 3 times at night time….and at lunch time as well…not realistic but hey dreams are free
Not really a good match with Sarah who would probably be happy at zero….no I think once per month is about her desire…I have to really press for my 3 times per month which I am really not happy about, but I have managed to get to the point where I really only ask for actual sex once per week and apart from the occasional childish tantrum if she says no I am in reasonable unhappy control.
Bla anyway told u there is not much to say, no budding femdom. I actually leave the keys to my cock cage on my bedside table every day, making sure they move about everyday in case Sarah has a change of heart as she does know I wear it sometimes even though she does not really approve, well its not that, she said she does not want me suffering…..aka does not want to feel like she owes me anything….actually, that is my fault I know….fact is I am a orgasm addict and not cut out for long term orgasm denial…anyway it’s a good fantasy to hold on to, alas the keys are always still there when I get home, but truth be known I don’t know what I would do with they weren’t, I am not sleeping with it on these days so if she did take it it would be a interesting shock. What I AM doing is trying to train myself to get used to having fewer orgasms….but its not the same as giving up smoking….cold turkey does not work.
Try and write again if anything interesting does happen….
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